Where I have seen problems is when parents do a role reversal and begin sharing too much information about themselves or their problems with their teenagers. Setting up this dynamic can be very confusing for teenagers who, even if they will never tell you, want to see their parents in an adult / protective role. When parents share too much about their own struggles, stress, love life, relationship difficulties or work problems, teens become confused about what their role is. I have seen teens try to fix their parents problems, try to "take care of business" for their parents and step into a caretaker role with their parents which is unhealthy for both teenagers and their parents. Teenagers are still growing emotionally and are not able to take on the problems of those who are supposed to be their caretakers. When parents are experiencing stress in their lives, it is important that they seek out support from other adults, a life coach or a therapist. This stress should not be placed on teenagers.
A dynamic where parents lean on their teenagers for support is more likely to occur in single parent households or in households where the marriage is not going well. In such situations, a parent does not have the other parent as a support system and therefore they will sometimes turn to their children for this purpose. It may appear as though teens can manage this and that they are not impacted by it, however, they likely are and the effects of this burden can play out immediately or in the future.
If you have already created this dynamic with your teenager, it is best to recognize it and take steps to change it. Below are some suggestions for recognizing, avoiding and changing such a situation.
1. Think about what you are talking to your teenager about. Are you talking a lot about yourself? Are you sharing information that could be upsetting to your teen or cause them to worry about you? Sometimes this happens when parents are in an emotional state. If you find yourself doing this, it may be helpful to separate yourself from your teenager, go to a place where you can relax and get your emotions in check or call an adult who you can lean on for support.
2. Use other adults in your life for support. Who are the adult family members or friends you can speak with about your problems? If you do not have any, it is important that you work to build your network of adult support. You may want to join a social organization in your community, get support from a religious organization, reach out to family or friends, confide in a coworker if appropriate or get the professional support of a life coach or therapist.
3. Think about why you are sharing information with your teen. Sometimes parents share things with their teenagers so that their teens can learn from their mistakes. While this can be effective, it is important to make sure that parents sharing information about their past mistakes is done thoughtfully. Before doing this ask yourself, "What is my purpose in sharing this information? How will this sharing of information benefit my teenager? Will sharing this information with my teenager place a burden on them or cause them to view me negatively?" Answering these questions honestly may help you determine if the information you are thinking of sharing is going to be helpful or hurtful to your teenager.
Remember that while your teenager needs to see you as a human being, they also need to see you as a support to them who is strong and who can help them with their problems. Teens need to view their parents as caretakers and not as best friends or people who need to be taken care of by their children.
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