Stay Home Dad Survival Tip #28 - Finding and Developing Your Child's Gift

One of the more challenging aspects of parenting can be dealing with your child's interests. As your child gets older, he or she will start to exhibit traits that are an indicator of what their interests are. I believe everyone is created for a purpose and our jobs as parents is to channel our children in the direction that will best help them develop into who they are to be, to find their destiny.

Every child has a different interest and way of expressing it. In my house, there is a budding music producer, a natural-born journalist, an athlete and an artist. Talk to your child or children; ask them what kind of things interest them. I have found that usually by the age of 10 or 11, most kids have a general idea of what they would like to do. The easiest way to discover this is to ask a question like this: "If you could do anything in the world that you wanted to do that was not mean, or against the law, and get paid to do it and it would be fun....what would you do?" By the middle school years, your child has an idea of what he or she really likes. Find out what this activity or interest is and find activities in your area that you can utilize to develop this interest.

There are a lot of things that can be purchased from thrift stores or be obtained for free. My 13 year old wants to be an animator. I was able to find an older version of Adobe Flash for him off of Craigslist - for free. No need to spend $600 for the newest version of the software when a little searching around can get cheaper results. I also found a weight bench at the thrift store for under $30.00 for my 18 year old when he was weight training for football. For my budding music producer, I found an old keyboard that someone was getting ready to throw away and asked for it. All it needed was batteries. Now, the kids themselves have learned how to be resourceful and search for items that can be easily downloaded or viewed on the Internet for no cost.

I know it can get pretty hectic, running around from dance classes to art, to little league and pee-wee football practice, music lessons, etc, so some strategic planning is necessary, if you have several children, especially if you are a single parent. Find other parents in the area whose children are attending the same activities and share the load.

Most importantly, you have to be interested and supportive. You cannot decide for your child what his or her gift or talent is. You cannot push them towards what you want their gift to be, nor downplay what they want to do. There is nothing more frustrating that casting your frustrated desires and accomplishments onto your child. I know there are a lot of men out there (and women too) who really like sports, but just because you have a son or daughter who may have a great athletic build, you cannot force athletics upon your kid. He or she may not want to do that. Don't put your frustration on not accomplishing what you may have wanted to on the sports field onto your child. You may have the next business mogul or president of the United States. It's not about what you want them to do so you can look good and brag; it's about what they want to do...what they were created to do. In all reality, you should brag because they are your kids. If your son wants to be a dancer and you play for the NFL.... so what. Let him do it. He's not you. He's a product OF you but he's NOT you.

I've spoken with a lot of parents who struggle with this. Just because you have an Olympic gold medal or a Super Bowl ring does not mean that your child should be doing the same thing. For instance, President George Bush's daughter Laura loved to read books and she wanted to be a schoolteacher. She had no desire to be a lawyer. Her parents supported her.

Our children are not necessarily going to do what we do, because they are not us. But we can influence them in a positive manner and with our support, they will be successful in whatever they do. You need to do this because you never want your kids to feel that they are disappointing you by their career choices.

A child who grows to be an adult feeling unfulfilled because they sought your dreams instead of his or her own will be very frustrated as an adult. A child whose dreams are squashed and discouraged will find adult life to be more challenging than it should be. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I was invited and visited by the representatives of a prestigious design college, but was laughed at and discouraged. I was told "That kind of stuff is for sissies."

Let your child show and teach you what their interest is, support them 100%. Communicate with your children and devise a game plan early on to insure your kids' success.

Feel Confident With Your Kids With Home Drug Tests

Having children can be a scary experience with so many things going on in the world. There is concern about whether you kids are having sex, smoking, drinking or doing drugs. While it simply isn't possible for you to find out everything that you need to know unless they confess or you follow them, there is an option for you if you want to know if they are drinking or doing drugs. Home drug tests make it possible for parents to get a bit of peace of mind when it comes to their kids and what they are doing when they aren't at home.

The first thing that you need to know about doing home drug tests is that they are perfectly legal. No matter how much your kids stomp their feet or talk about invasion of privacy, if they are under the age of 18 and they are your responsibility, then you can compel them to submit to the test. Fortunately, if your child is being unreasonable and refuses to pee in a cup to get the test done, you can simply use their saliva. Both ways will yield accurate results and let you know if your child is doing drugs.

The great thing about using home drug tests is that they are very inexpensive. You can purchase a test that checks for Amphetamines, Methamphetamines, Cocaine, Opiates, Marijuana and Phencyclidine for about 15 dollars. A kit that checks for alcohol via saliva is about eight dollars. If you want to check for nicotine, it will require a urine test, but it is only about three dollars. There are dozens of other home drug tests that you can purchase that test for single agents (if you have a suspicion about what drug might be being used) or a broad spectrum of agents if you aren't sure.

It never feels good to suspect your children of doing drugs and breaking the law, but the bottom line is, it is up to you to protect them. If you are worried about drug, alcohol or cigarette abuse, you have options. Check them for drugs, let them know that you are watching and that you are willing to do what it takes to ensure that they don't break the law or damage their bodies and/or minds because of substance abuse.

A Parent's Guide to Childhood Anxiety

It is estimated that about 1 in 8 children experience some form of an anxiety disorder. Anxiety can be mild, and very temporary, as in simply being nervous about an upcoming event, to more severe and long lasting forms such as panic attacks, obsessiveness and traumatic stress responses. Symptoms of anxiety can range from low-level physiological responses such as headaches, upset stomach or irritability to intense nausea, sweating and an overwhelming incapacity to function. Anxiety may be generalized and manifest itself in a variety of surroundings and situations or it may be specific such as test anxiety. One of the more common types of anxiety for children is separation anxiety and parents can often see this exhibited when they leave a child such as going to work in the morning or taking the child to day-care.

Separation anxiety can be a phase. However, if it is not approached properly it can develop into other forms of anxiety such as social anxiety, phobias or trauma. Regardless of the type of anxiety a child experiences, treatment is available. In some cases, simple, supportive communication from a parent or significant adult can alleviate the anxiety. In other cases, professional intervention may be required. Because parents exert such a strong influence over their children, and because children mostly trust and rely upon their parents, and because going to a professional therapist introduces a stranger, parental intervention can be very effective when done properly.

One of the big mistakes parents often make in responding to a child exhibiting anxiety is to discount the child's experience. For example, if a child is exhibiting symptoms of anxiety and says they are afraid of going into their bedroom because a monster is there, to say "don't be silly there is no monster in your room" essentially tells the child they are lying. To the child's mind, there may be a "monster" in the room, in whatever form it may take. A much better approach is to accept the child's experience and lead the child to a more rational view. For example, the parent could say something like "oh, really, how do you know a monster is in your room?" If the child says "I saw it there" the parent can ask the child to elaborate on what it looked like, when it is there, what it does there and then lead the discussion to possible strategies to deal with this problem by emphasizing the various strengths and supports the child has at his or her disposal. It is far more important to help the child learn to deal with these kinds of situations than the actual removal of the monster. In that regard, anxiety becomes an opportunity to develop certain psychological skills that can be very useful throughout life.

The same kind of approach can be used for more intense forms of anxiety. In almost every case, anxiety is generated by internal dialogue, referred to as "self talk" and subconscious mental imagery. Because children are not well developed linguistically, many of their anxieties are produced from subconscious mental pictures. For example, the child above is likely not saying internally that there is a monster in the room; they are probably imagining a monster in the room. The same kind of imaginings can be at the root of social anxiety in which the child is imagining any number of unpleasant, negative and "bad" scenarios in social settings, all of which may not be realistic. Test or performance anxiety is often generated by subconscious mental imagery of failure and, perhaps, punishment resulting from that failure.

Because children have such a high need for safety and protection, most all anxiety can be relieved when the child's sense of safety and protection is bolstered. Exactly how that is accomplished will depend a lot on what the child says in response to questions about the situation. For example, a parent can ask a child who thinks a monster is in their room what they need to feel safe in their room. If the child says the monster has to go away, the parent can collaborate with the child in figuring out what needs to happen to get the monster to leave. It is important that the child participate in the strategies to remove the monster. It may not be enough that the parent goes into the room, comes out and says the monster is gone.

More intense forms of childhood anxiety, such as ongoing and intense phobias, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorders or posttraumatic stress responses would likely require professional intervention. However, even in those situations, parents can help reduce the symptoms of anxiety by respecting and acknowledging the child's experience, listening with an open mind, asking appropriate questions, in a supportive and inquisitive manner and letting the child know, in a way the child can easily understand, which may require not just words, but behaviors as well, that they are loved, cared for, and, above all else, safe.

A Parent's Guide to Childhood Nightmares

Childhood nightmares, or very bad dreams, are not uncommon and often need nothing other than a parent's consoling embrace to remedy the immediate situation. Nightmares may occur for several reasons. Because children are very impressionable, watching a scary movie at night before bedtime can easily trigger a nightmare. If there is a high stress or frightening situation going on in the home, or at school, and the child has not been able to disclose this information to his or her parents, or a teacher or trusted adult, the nightmare may serve as a release valve. Certain life events such as the death of a pet, relative or parent, an auto accident, or a significant injury can be the source of nightmares. If the child is experiencing moderate generalized or social anxiety, or panic attacks, nightmares may serve as a way of processing those experiences.

The best way a parent can respond to their child's nightmares is to be comforting and supportive. If the child is able to talk about the nightmare, the parent can listen with an open mind. The parent can ask questions, in a very gentle way, probing into the details. It helps for the parent to remind the child where they are at the present moment, in the bedroom, and safe. A parent can also ask the child what they need to feel better. Children are often quite perceptive about what they need. The child may ask to sleep in the parent's bed. This may be acceptable but should not become a pattern. The child may ask that a light be turned on, and kept on, in their room, which is perfectly reasonable. The parent can also introduce ideas. There are some wonderful music CD's specifically geared toward lowering brain-wave patterns, calming the mind and relaxing the body. Such a CD could be played at low volume in the child's room. Because children engage in magical thinking, a parent can introduce the idea of special protective "fairy dust" that can be sprinkled throughout the room (fine sand or baking soda would work fine for this) or a magical protective crystal placed on the nightstand.

Recurring nightmares, in which the same general content is repeated night after night, is indicative of some psychological-emotional issue that needs to be addressed. Because the conscious mind is out of commission during sleep, the subconscious mind has its best opportunity to intrude. If there are issues that have occurred during the normal waking life which are troublesome, painful or frightening and have not been disclosed to parents or trusted adults, the material is repressed. And yet, such material seeks expression and release, which often occurs at night during the REM (dreaming) period of sleep in the form of a nightmare. For this kind of recurring nightmare, professional intervention is recommended. Most professionals would employ some form of play therapy to help understand the meaning of the nightmares and to help the child express hidden, and sometimes traumatic, information. Once the issue is made conscious, it can be dealt with and the nightmares vanish.

Some nightmares may be entirely symbolic and part of growing up. Children between the ages of 2 - 13 develop at an incredible pace. The biological, cognitive, emotional and social changes that occur during this period are remarkable. Growing pains, the adjustments to new ways of interacting with the world, can be unsettling and can trigger nightmares. In such cases, the content of the nightmare may not be relevant to any specific issue going on in daily life, but more symbolic about passages from one stage of life to another. In such cases, the parent can simply explore the content of the dream with the child and perhaps give meaning to the nightmare through talk, drawing pictures or, depending on the age of the child, writing a story about it. In many cases, its possible to then to alter the ending of the nightmare so it is not only less scary, but positive, emphasizing the strength, capacities and resources of the child.

Attachment Parenting - An Overview of What it Is

Attachment parenting is becoming more and more popular as parents want to do the right thing for their children. Attachment parenting is a type of parenting that describes a highly responsive and highly attentive style of caring for a child. Pediatrician William Sears and his wife first coined the term "attachment parenting". Dr Sears has several parenting books that are popular in the parenting world. This highly responsive and attentive style is considered to promote physical and emotional closeness between parent and child. It promotes this closeness through bonding, breastfeeding, cosleeping, slings and various other things.

Attachment parenting encourages the parent to hold their baby often in the first weeks of life. The first 6 months are considered the "in arms" phase and parents are encouraged to hold baby as often as possible. Closeness is important so things like using a sling to help keep baby close while you get on is encouraged and also cosleeping. Breastfeeding is also encouraged and seen as an important part of a baby's development physically and emotionally.

Those who practise this style of parenting tend to learn from their baby by keeping them close to them and devoting lots of time and attention. Parents tend not to go by a clock or a schedule but look for signs from their child about their needs.

When a child cries they are responded to instantly. Attachment parenting does not advocate, "Cry it out" and believes that you can't spoil your child from constantly responding. Responding to their baby's cries every time allows a relationship of trust to be built and unnecessary suffering. A baby cries for a reason and it is an important survival tool.

Breastfeeding, of course, is another important aspect. Parents usually will practise extend breastfeeding too acknowledging the important of nurture and bonding as well as nutrition when it comes to nursing.

Along with breastfeeding, cosleeping and sling wearing, attachment parents tend to use gentle discipline that is age appropriate. For example parents may put breakables out of the way of a toddler, as it would be unrealistic to expect a baby to stop itself from reaching for objects they may find fascinating. Guidance, role modelling and gentle punishments as well as no discipline are things that attachment parents would use to deal with their children.

Of course not all advocates of attachment parenting will use all these different things but many do. This type of parenting is about knowing your baby and responding to them. It is about following your instincts as well and often many parenting styles can make a parent feel as though they are going against instinct because they are.

This type of parenting is a great way to relax and enjoy your child without feeling guilty or feeling like you are spoiling your child. It can be the best thing you do for you and your baby.

How to Encourage Your Shy Child in Team Sports

Any parent with a shy child knows that being put in front of a large crowd and asking them to perform well is like a death sentence. Crying, panic attacks and failure are nearly a guaranteed result. There is a distinct difference between children who don't like sports and those who just break down at game time. So, how do you get your child to enjoy team sports and participate in all that a team requires? The answer will depend on your child, but here is a great place to start:

1. Have a Talk with the Coach. This is the most important step to helping your child move forward. It is important that the coach understand your child's issues and allow for them to be worked through. For instance, in the case of my child, she always did well in practice, but broke down at game time. She was actually one of the better players on the team, but just couldn't pull it together for the games. The coach was very frustrated and assumed I was coddler her too much by not pushing her to stay in the game. After my talk with the coach, however, he just encouraged her to come to the first two games and told her she didni't have to play. Then, he said she could just play one quarter (it was soccer). Having the coach understand why things are happening will change their attitude and allow the coach and child to communicate in a positive manner.

2. Encourage and Support Your Child. Don't push too hard, but don't let them quit either. Allowing them to quit will not help them in the long run. Even if it means only playing one quarter, or even one play of the season, they are on a team. Teaching them to work through hard times and knowing you are there to help them will build their confidence. The sense of accomplishment they experience will bleed over into other areas, like school.

3. Allow Them to Express Their Emotion. If they need to cry, let them. For a shy child to work through performing in from of large groups of people is a very bold and courageous thing. It takes a lot of energy and sometimes they need a release.

Whenever your child has issues, you must delicately balance encouraging them to be strong and finishing the task with allowing them to move at their own pace. Helping your child become more self-confident and overcome some extreme shyness is a process that must be taken step-by-step, but its one that every child can win.

Getting Kids Into a Routine

The carefree days of summer are behind you and the school term is about to start. This is the ideal opportunity to start to get your kids into a regular routine.

Nobody wants to get their kids up on a school day and then have to rush around like idiots just to make sure that they are not late. It is imperative that a routine is started to make things easier for everybody concerned.

Once you get the kids into the habit of going to bed at the same time, they will find it easier to get up at the same time and have their breakfast at the same time; things will run smoother for everybody.

When the kids come home from school they inevitably just want to play with friends. Get them into the routine of firstly doing their homework and then getting things out ready for the morning. This will then give them the free time they are wanting before they have to retire for the night.

Regular bathing at night is beneficial to kids and gets them into good habits; they can also get their uniforms ready for the next school day, another routine for them to start.

The routine is the same every morning; make sure that the kids do not turn on the television or the computer when they get up. This could make them run late. It is important for them to learn to set off for school at the same time every day.

Once they have established a regular routine, the kids will be under less stress not having to rush around in the morning and this can only be good for their health.

Routine does not just mean preparing things for the morning. Routine also means eating proper nutritional meals and grooming them properly. If this is done at an early age then it will become automatic in later life.

How I Got My Toddler to Sleep Through the Night - And How You Can Too

If you are a mom of young children, you have probably read all there is to read about getting your baby or toddler to sleep all the way through the night. You may even be surprised by the fact that the title says "toddler" instead of "baby. After all, there are countless books out there that tell you exactly what to do. I've heard it all "let them cry it out", "start after the first few weeks", "never let them sleep with you", etc. Well, guess what? It just doesn't always work. Suddenly you find yourself waking up several times a night for a 2-3 year old, wondering how it ever happened.

For me, it happened partly because I think the first several months are important for a child to be tended to, and it worked just fine for my other two children (plus my husband has insomnia, and this particular child was so pitchy when she cried that she disturbed not only my family my neighbors as well). Yet, it was time for her to stop waking up so many times a night, and I was determined to finally get her to sleep for long stretch. So, at 10 months old, I decided to tough it out and let her hang on to her stubborn will as long as she wished. She screamed for two hours straight before I went to bed to try and ignore it - but she wasn't done. I peeked in to check on her, as the crib was strategically positioned for me to be able to peek through the crack I had left without her seeing, and she was just plain mad. I went to bed and waited for the screaming to subside.

Now at 2 1/2 hours of screaming, it suddenly the got louder, and seemingly closer, and then further away. Naturally I had to get up and check. She had flipped herself out of her crib to come looking for me! There were no pillows to stand on, she just did a pull up and flipped herself out, then started through the house to find me and give me a piece of her mind. Keep in mind, this 10 month-old little girl had just started walking and was not a large child. She was only in the 10th percentile in for her height and weight, and she still managed to maneuver out of her crib like a skilled monkey. At this point I knew my nights of sleeping without a child were over. It was just plain dangerous and my baby's safety came before convenience.

Some of you may wonder why I didn't let her cry it out sooner. I tried. She made my other kids cry and gave my husband sleepless nights for days. Frankly, she probably would have flipped herself out even sooner than that and really hurt herself. So now being stuck with a stubborn toddler, the only method I found that worked was the "star system".

The star system was so simple, and yet I had to wait until she was old enough to understand it. If she slept through the night, she got a star. When she got 20 stars in a row, she got to pick out the toy of her choice at the toy store. The catch to it was, 20 stars in a row. So, if she only slept 3 nights, and missed the fourth, she had to start over. Every time she got distracted, frustrated, or lost sight of her goal, I took her to the store to see what she was missing. There were many fits and tantrums, but it finally worked. It took 3 whole months but it worked -- and she was proud of herself too.

For all you moms like me, we are all in a place (or have been in a place) where some other parents judge us or simply don't understand. Sometimes you just can't apply the rules, make it work, and still feel good about it. So all you moms should take comfort in knowing that you are not the only one. It is not always lack of discipline or structure, sometimes it's just what life hands you... and it only gets better.

Information About Road Safety Rules For Children

Road safety is not only important for adult. Since children also need to walk and play in the fresh air, they also spend their time on the road with you. Therefore, you need to pay attention on road safety rules for your children. You can check out the following information and protect your children from any dangerous things on the road.

Basically, in a way to protect your children while on the road, you need to accomplish the most significant requirement that includes the combination of education, safety equipments for passenger and pedestrian like car seats, seat belts, helmet, and also the other proper compliance that comes with safety recommendation. Since today there are a lot of accidents happen on the road, fulfilling these requirements will be the wise things to do.

Talking about the car seat, it is suggested for parents to install this equipment with proper guidelines. Installing car seat properly will help your children to prevent getting neck injury. In some states, you will find that children under six years old should sit on the car seat, while children above six years old should use the seat belt at all times. Just check out the regulation in your state and follow it in order provide safety for your children while on the road.

Moreover, if your children need to use a seat belt, you have to make sure that it is tight enough for them. However, do not tighten the seat belt too much tight since it can make your children difficult to breathe. Just make sure that your children feel comfortable with their seat belt.

Spanking a Child Affects Brain Development

Recent research on human brain development has shown that spanking and other corporal punishment will have a significant adverse affect on the development of a child's brain and brain function. Whenever a child experiences fear and stress, especially when combined with high emotional confusion or emotional separation from a parent or other caregiver, that child becomes biologically and neuro-chemically alarmed and on high alert.

The human brain consists of four distinct layers, the brain stem, mid-brain, limbic system, and the cortex. The brain stem is responsible for the most primitive functions of the body like breathing, body temperature regulation, and blood pressure. The midbrain, also called diencephalon, is a bit more complex, but still mostly reflexive, and is where a person operates when he or she is in a state of alarm. This is the instinctive "fight or flight" area of the brain and is a non-thinking and non-feeling place. The limbic system is the area responsible for experiencing and expressing emotions. The cortex, especially the pre-frontal cortex, is responsible for thinking, problem-solving, showing judgement and a conscience.

Two other key parts of the brain are the hippocampus, which stores memories, and the amygdala, which is part of the limbic system and determines which part of the brain is activated in a given situation. The hippocampus and amygdala work together to determine which parts of the brain are in charge. At any given moment, one of the three upper levels (midbrain, limbic system or cortex) is in charge based on the decisions of the amygdala and hippocampus.

The brain produces powerful chemicals called hormones. Normal development sees the brain release healthy doses of hormones to help a child learn resilience. During times of fear, however, stress hormones can flood the brain, causing anxiety and panic in the child, meaning he or she is less capable of thinking. During an unhealthy "hormone dump," a child will become hypersensitive and overly-reactive until the hormones dissipate, which may take an hour or as long as a day. Because a child's brain is constantly being wired, high states of alarm can "over-wire" a child's midbrain, making it denser and more dominant than it should be.

During these episodes of fear, the hippocampus stores memories for the purpose of protecting and preparing the child for future incidences. For the rest of the child's life, the memories stored in the hippocampus can trigger the same responses that activates the reflexive midbrain.

Whenever a child is highly fearful or alarmed because a parent or other caregiver is inflicting physical pain (like spanking) combined with unhealthy and out of control emotion, his or her brain development is being adversely impacted. A child with a brain that has been developed in healthy ways can function relatively smoothly, allowing the child calmness to think, emotionally connect, pay attention and grow intellectually.

Withholding discipline is not the answer. Finding healthy ways of effective discipline (limit setting, healthy consequences, making amends, etc.) will help develop a child's brain in healthy fashion.

Solving the Age Gap Between Your Kids

It can be awkward to figure out what to do with children when there is an age gap between them, especially if you run a day-care centre, where there are many different age groups to look after.

There are activities that can be played between children irrespective of their ages, or you could have activities where the younger children are looked after by the older children.

There's no need to worry about what you can do to accommodate each individual age group. Here are a few tips on what activities are available to you if you are in this situation.

Craft classes are a good idea for kids of all ages. These can be done indoors or outdoors, and so it does not really matter where you are, or what the weather is like. If it is fine you can go outdoors, but if it is raining there are still plenty of craft ideas that can be done indoors.

Let the kids just run with their own ideas. You could just be there for them in case they have any questions or queries. You supply the materials and let them do the rest. You should quietly be impressed with the variety of work that each age group will turn out.

Other ideas to get everybody involved in could be playing Hide and seek, this can be played by all the age groups together, it does not really matter how old you are, you could even decide to join in yourself if you so wished.

If there are games that are really only suitable for the younger children, then why not let the older children organise and run the games themselves? Looking after the young children is a good way to teach the older children about responsibility. This can be handy for them in later life and make them more independent and confident.

Do not think that you have to always tell the children what they should and should not do. Let them organise their own games occasionally, you could always be on hand in case they need any help.

Quick Breakfasts For Busy Parents

If you're a parent, you surely must know the importance of giving your kids a healthy, hearty, and nutritious breakfast each day. This fuels them for the day ahead, especially when it comes to school. Therefore it's important to plan properly around this meal.

Regardless of anything you may otherwise believe, all kids absolutely need breakfast. Without it, they stand the risk of drudging their way through a sluggish morning devoid of any nutrients and minerals that feed the body and mind with energy.

You don't need to be super creative when planning breakfast for your children, but you should know that there are plenty of options and possibilities and shouldn't lose sight of this fact. Let's take a look at some of the things you may want to consider.

Something quick may be more appropriate if you're pressed for time. Perhaps heating up a breakfast treat will appeal to you.

The most important part about breakfast is making sure that you're consuming foods that are good for the body. Don't neglect this small point, as the energy the right foods give will be a great contributor to a great day.

Maybe some toasted bread to start the day would appeal to them, especially if you sweeten it with some fruit or jelly. Cereal with things like sliced bananas are great as well.

Something as simple as a little milk will give your kids more energy and nutrients than almost anything else. A cereal bar is never a bad idea either.

The day is very long and children can get very hungry between their first few meals of the day. Therefore, giving them a big breakfast is integral.

Have Responsibility Through Self Liberation

In order to raise responsible children parents give them freedom, hoping that "with freedom comes responsibility" (Eleanor Roosevelt). That is true with one important clarification. "Freedom that leads to responsibility is not given or granted; it is obtained by internal efforts. A child develops not by freedom itself, as some people think, but by the child's own actions to obtain freedom, by the child's self-liberation" (Simon Soloveychik).

The confusion in perception of freedom is hidden in its external and internal character. Parents widespread perception of freedom is usually an external freedom: freedom to move, to play, and to have a variety of choices. Those parents, who can afford, usually provide more space and toys to children with the hope that children naturally develop themselves. But children may not be able to handle freedom. Often they go wild and run out of control: they scream, they hit each other, they bother each other, or they hurt themselves. As a result parents limit children's freedom, for example by taking toys away, or by giving a time out. In other words, parents use the external freedom of children as a reward and punishment tool, by either giving freedom to children or taking it away.

Often, when freedom is taken away, children become rebellious. They strive to liberate themselves from their parents' petty prohibitions, and often the children's strength is exhausted in this fight. By the time they have a chance to be free from parents (become adolescents), they exchange their freedom for dependence on their peers. When grown up such people don't know responsibility, because their decisions were made for them by other people. Thus, external freedom given by parents has no direct relation to raising responsibility in children.

Internal freedom has a different character. It can not be given or taken away. Children don't necessarily need too many choices. They need one activity at a time, with a purpose, with meaning; it must be challenging, and simultaneously, it must be doable. Children learn from their own efforts while exploring something new. This internal discovery from "I didn't know" to "Now I know!" brings deep satisfaction to children, as it would bring to adults, is a self-liberating process. From being helpless - to being skillful: this is the process of self liberation which leads to internal freedom. Parents cannot take this freedom away from children. Nobody can. When children become teenagers and know internal freedom, they liberate themselves from limitations of life, from weaknesses of character, from cowardice, and from social injustice. They are not dependent on peer pressure. They make their own decisions and are responsible for those decisions.

Only with self-liberation comes responsibility. Only with internal freedom comes responsibility.

Keeping Kids Active - A Key For Success at School

Do you want your kids do better in school? Keep them active physically. Never underestimate the val­ue of physical fitness. Many preschool children do not meet average fitness standards, which in turn make them prime targets for cardiovascular disease.

It is up to parents to estab­lish physical fitness as a priori­ty for preschool children and continue this involvement once kids go to school. Stud­ies prove that children who do get the proper amount of exer­cise perform better academical­ly. They also need the mechani­cal stress of exercise for proper bone growth.

When you think about yourself, when you sit for a long period of time you become tired. If you get up and go for a walk you come back refreshed and ready to re­ally get things accomplished. Children are the same.

What can parents do? Begin to plan an activity each day as soon as you have your baby. Take walks outside, keep active inside. Turn off the TV and move. Dance or crawl, roll and skip.

There is evidence that watching TV or playing computer games for long periods of time puts your body in the flight and flee mode, thus shooting chemicals into your blood which eventually clog your veins. Turn off the TV and get your kids moving.

If you want the best for your children, you must allow them the opportunity to get exercise each and every day. What ways does your family promote fit­ness?

By Joan Craven ©2010

Are You Fitting in Or Being Yourself?

Every woman wants to be who she is. I'm sure you feel this desire deep within you. Yet have you felt another feeling that holds you back, one that stops you from taking risks and trying something new that calls you?

Every woman feels this hesitancy from time to time. Sometimes it's a daily feeling of being unable to do what you most long to do to express yourself.

Doug and I love reading books together at night. We're currently reading "The Princess of Landover," a fantasy book by Terry Brooks, one of our favorite authors. Last night in our story, Mistaya the teen daughter of our hero was brought into the principal's office due to a series a misbehaviors.

The first to speak is Miss Appleton the principal, " This isn't the first time you've broken the rules, and I am quite certain that if things continue on as they are, it won't be the last...In order for the learning process to function...the students must adhere to the rules...students must find a way to fit in. You don't seem to feel this is necessary."

Mistaya boldly agrees, "No, I don't. I think we are here to discover ourselves so that we can do something important with our lives. I don't think we're meant to fit it; I think we're meant to stand out. I don't think we are meant to be like everyone else."

If you're willing to tell the truth, you most likely grew up in a school and a family where fitting in was expected and sometimes forced upon you. Now, as adults, sometimes without knowing it, you may have internalized the pressure to fit in - to believe, say and do what everyone else believes, says and does.

The pattern of fitting in often perpetuates itself through multiple generations. You grow up in a family where fitting in and doing the 'right' thing is expected. Your parents, who grew up in a family where fitting it and doing the 'right' thing is expected, passed this on to you. Your parents' parents did the same. As you can see, this can go on and on.

So now we come to you as a parent, whether your child is 2, 12, or 22. You have choices to make - Will you continue the pattern to fit in or will you be fully yourself? Will you expect your child to fit-in and conform or do you want him to be himself?

Here are 3 potent questions to ask yourself to find more clarity:

#1 - Who did I learn from as a child and who do I look to now as my role model?

Unfortunately, when it comes to loving yourself and raising your child, there is a lot of misguided, limiting ideas floating around in our culture. If you look deeply at the lives of the people you are modeling, you may not really want to be like them or to live their lifestyle.

This does not mean you are criticizing them. It's simply a matter of your personal choice.

#2 - What am I trying to accomplish with this action?

Often, we do things automatically without really stopping to consider why we're doing what we're doing. We do it or say it, it feels right (and familiar), and we go on. The important thing to remember here is that everyone has been taught to believe, speak, and act in certain ways. It's usually your parents and your teachers, but it can be anyone, even the kid you met at the playground when you were six.

#3 - Is this really what I want?

Each person is unique. No one else has your unique combination of talents, insights, and gifts to share with the world. No other child has the gifts of greatness that your child does. Because of this, it is crucial that you that you live your life and parent your child based on who you are and who your child is, and NOT doing something because everyone else is doing it.

Wondrous things happen in lives and relationships the more you think for yourself and listen to your own inner guidance. Choose what's good for you, what's good for your child, and delightful miracles will happen. You have the power! I invite you to share your beauty and wondrous gifts even more with your family and the world!

Copyright 2010 Connie Allen

Misplaced Loyalty Toward Hurtful Parents

Our feelings about our parents can be very complicated. Some of what we feel depends on how they treated us when we were growing up as well as how they treat us today. Sometimes, we just go along with what our culture or society tells us we should feel.

If we have loving, supportive parents, the issue is quite simple: we love them back and appreciate everything they did for us. It gets more complicated when our parents were less-than-ideal. If they neglected, rejected or even abused us, we grow up to believe that it was due to our own inadequacies. Children typically blame themselves for what goes wrong in the parent-child relationship.

Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us, we take responsibility for what happened and then try to change ourselves in order to finally win the love they've been withholding. What we don't realize is that when our parents hurt or reject us it has nothing to do with what's lacking in us and everything to do with their inability to love and accept their children.

Because it's about them, no matter how hard we try to ingratiate ourselves to our parents, their feelings toward us won't change. When we fail to win their approval we might feel hurt or even angry, but many of us also believe that we haven't tried hard enough to please them. The truth is, love is not a commodity to be bought and sold. Our parents will love us if they are able to, and for no other reason.

Still, it's easier for us to keep blaming ourselves because it's preferable to facing the unthinkable: the fact that our parents don't love us. This is an extremely painful realization to come to terms with. Most people would rather do anything than accept this as the truth. Not only is it painful; it's humiliating.

Even when we recognize that it's not about our own failings, we don't like the idea of admitting to our friends or loved ones that we grew up with parents who were hurtful or rejecting. There's always the fear that others will wonder what we might have done to deserve it. It's also hard to silence the voice of the "inner critic" which continually tells us that it really is our fault.

Paradoxically, those of us who were loved and accepted while growing up have a much easier time separating from our parents than those of us who were neglected, rejected or abused. A secure, loving attachment during childhood leads to a healthy ability to detach as an adult. Those of us from the former group are able to see our parents clearly as the decent but imperfect human beings that they are and can live rich, fulfilling independent lives.

Those of us in the latter group have a much harder time letting go of our parents. We tend to be quite enmeshed with them in adulthood as we continue trying to win their elusive approval. Despite the fact that we might be angry at them and even have on-going conflicts, we continue to spend a lot of time and energy on this frustrating, unsatisfying relationship.

Sadly, the worse we were treated, the more we end up doing for our parents when we're adults, and the more disrespect we tolerate. Loving parents create confident self-loving adults who won't accept mistreatment from anyone. Bad parents raise children who are riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. This group accepts being mistreated as a matter of course.

Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for the love and care they're receiving, and never make the children feel responsible for taking care of the parents' emotional or physical needs. Bad parents, on the other hand, go on and on about how burdened they are by their children and how many sacrifices they've had to make in order to raise them.

Children who were loved don't feel indebted to their parents and aren't driven by guilt to attend to their needs after they've left home. The unloved group has been brainwashed to believe, incorrectly, that it's a child's ongoing role to care for their parents. These people are driven by a powerful sense of obligation.

Beloved children grow into adults who love their parents and who are happy to be there for them when there's a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are reluctant to impose upon their adult children; not wanting to be a burden on them. Unloved children grow into adults who may resent their selfish, hurtful parents but who aren't able to refuse their demands. Unloving parents see children as having been put on earth in order to fulfill parental needs, and therefore have no difficulty imposing on them.

Sadly, those of us who were unlucky enough to have been raised by bad parents also get to be burdened as adults by their demands. Despite the fact that they've done so little for us and have always put their needs ahead of our own, we maintain a sense of misplaced loyalty. It's partly because our society insists that we must respect our parents, and partly because we're still hoping for their love.

We need to let go of our feelings of obligation and recognize that if we'd been loved, we would be happy to return the sentiment. In loving families, guilt and obligation never enter into the equation. We want to believe that we belong to a close, happy family, and for those of us who have this, we should appreciate it. For those of us who don't however, it's time to face the truth.

We need to see that care-taking hurtful parents isn't going to make them love us and it isn't even going to make them happy. People who are so emotionally damaged that they're unable to love their children aren't really capable of happiness, either. They try to use us to meet some deep unfulfilled needs within them, but nothing we do could heal the emotional wounds that make them unable to love or care for us.

We're better off facing the truth about our parents; giving up our futile attempts at winning their love and focusing our attention instead on pursuing more obtainable and fulfilling goals. We can start by working on developing the self-love and self-confidence that our childhoods deprived us of. Then we can enter into relationships with people who are capable of loving and accepting us, just as we are.

(C) Marcia Sirota MD 2010

Be a Soul Model For Your Child

Walk your talk.


Remember, your children are watching.

Attitudes are more easily caught than taught,

You can never, not model.

Your actions speak louder than your words.

The statements above are just a few of the ways to express the notion that it is important to be a good role model for your children. There are many more. For almost everyone agrees that children in this day and age need positive role models.

While it would be difficult to argue against the importance of being a positive role model for children, we contend that it is not enough. Children don't need role models today as much as they need soul models. Our children need people in their lives who recognize that they are in this world, but not of this world. They need adults who can move past the ego-driven control styles exhibited by so many parents today and connect with them on a soul level.

Do you feel compelled to move past the limiting notion of being a role model and purposefully expand your reach to touch souls with your children on a regular basis? Do you want to add spiritual to the physical, mental, and emotional connection you already feel with your children? If so, the strategies below will help you do that. Read through the ideas presented and see which ones resonate on a deep level for you. Pay close attention to those. Those are the ones your soul is urging you to implement.

1. Help your children turn concept into experience. Your soul knows about generosity, love, caring, etc. It understands those concepts thoroughly. The soul doesn't need any more information about these concepts. What the soul desires is to experience generosity, loving, and caring. You may have a heart filled with love, but if you do nothing loving, the soul lacks the experience of loving.

Help you children to know themselves as loving by showing them how to do loving things. Encourage their generous acts so their souls can experience generosity. Help them to be caring by demonstrating and encouraging caring acts.

2. Share your feelings. Your soul communicates through feelings. The messages it sends come from the inside, out. Trust your feelings and allow your child access to the process of naming, describing, and using feelings to help make decisions. Honor you child's feelings and help them to trust those valuable messages that are the language of the soul.

3. Protect your child from noise pollution. The soul requires quiet times. Televisions blare in living rooms with no one present. The radio goes on as soon as people enter their cars. Malls, stores, and outdoor events create a constant barrage of music. The woods are increasingly filled with four-wheelers and motor bikes. Once peaceful lakes, now contain noisy speed boats as more and more people equate fun with speed and noise.

Go for quiet walks with your children. Have quiet time in your home and automobile. Inner listening requires silence. Help your child quiet his outer world to give room for his inner world to come forth.

4. Get back to nature. Direct contact with nature is essential to healthy spiritual development, not to mention the positive effects it has on physical and mental development. In this electronic age, our children are plugged in to everything but nature. They are missing contact with the beauty and silence of the natural world. Their souls ache from the negative effects of nature-deficit disorder.

Walk in the woods, camp, or bike on a nature trail. Go to the roof of your city apartment building if necessary and watch the stars and wonder. Chase fire flies, let snow flakes melt on your face, roll down a grassy knoll. Sit on a dock and dangle your feet in the water. Ride or groom a horse. Touch nature and let it touch you back down deep in your soul. Let your children see how much you enjoy it.

5. Get out of you mind. Rational thought and analyzing are of the mind. They are components of the mind/body connection, not the soul. Go to your heart for messages from the soul. What are your heartfelt desires? All creation begins with desire. Desire is the soul urging you what to do next.

Do not limit your children's desires. Encourage them to pay attention to those urges. It is their soul moving them forward. Help them find ways to work for their desires in responsible, caring ways.

6. Help you children make BE choices as well as DO choices. Doing is the job of body. It is always engaged in doing something. We make DO choices all the time. Playing catch, reading a story, praying, and putting a puzzle together are all examples of doing.

The job of the soul is being. We can be open-minded, considerate, friendly, happy, silly, or many other sates of being. When we decide how we want to be in a given situation and then actively be that way, it affects how we do whatever it is that we are doing. Help children bring how they are being into harmony with their souls and they will experience greater satisfaction in whatever they choose to do.

7. Help children learn to focus. The soul wants to be present and to be here now. If you talk on the phone while you are doing your taxes and simultaneously watch TV, you may think you are modeling for your children the valuable skill of multi-tasking. In actuality, you are demonstrating how to give important activities partial attention by diluting your focus and not being fully present for any of them.

8. Separate the deed from the doer. Children are not their behavior. They are not their report card. They are not their table manners. They are not their anger. Those behaviors are only their behaviors in this present moment. It is not who and what they are as human beings----a child of God.

"I like you and I don't like that behavior," are the words to use and the attitude to take to separate the deed from the doer. It tells the child that it is the behavior that is inappropriate. Love remains for the child while the behavior is disliked.

9. See it all as perfect. If your child is disrespectful of her grandparent, see that as the perfect way for her to communicate to you that she needs to learn more about respect for the elderly. See it as the perfect time to teach her a lesson on showing respect.

When your child leaves his toys out, that is the perfect time for him to learn about what happens when he makes that choice. If your teen turns off the alarm and goes back to sleep, it is the perfect opportunity to allow her to experience the natural consequences of being late for school.

You can see the parenting moment that you face today as awful or you can see it as perfect. To bump souls with your child, choose to see it as perfect.

10. See you child as a teacher. Your children are in your life as much so you can learn from them as they are so they can learn from you. Be open to the lessons your children offer you and honor them for helping you learn and grow.

When you use the ideas above do not be surprised if you begin to see your child as you have not seen her before. You may begin talking to your son with language patterns you have not used previously. You may hear your children with new ears. Not to be alarmed. Those are simply the joyous sights and sounds of souls touching.

Fostering Children With ADHD

Fostering children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) has special challenges for foster carers. Although there are three types of ADHD, the condition is generally characterised by factors including a lack of concentration, hyperactivity and impulsive behaviour.

Genetics is thought to be a partial cause of ADHD and this means that ADHD is often passed down in families. Evidence suggests that the risk of a child being diagnosed with ADHD approximately seven times higher for children with a parent or sibling with ADHD.

The effect of environmental factors on children are linked to ADHD such as families who exposure children to alcohol, cigarette smoke or drugs during pregnancy, and exposure to family violence. ADHD is a medical condition which can be diagnosed and can explain why some children behave badly.

ADHD is more common in boys and is most often noticed when a child starts school. Children tend to have difficulty concentrating, remembering instructions, paying attention and finishing tasks. Children can be fidgety and always on the go and appear to act without thinking. Children might be inattentive, hyperactive and impulsive.

ADHD is not just bad behaviour. Foster carer looking after children with ADHD will be frustrated because discipline strategies they use with other children are not as effective. Foster children with ADHD need clear boundaries, consistency and stability of care. Foster carers can help by monitoring children's food as some colourings might make the symptoms worse.

Foster children might not have had a diagnosis therefore if a foster carer is concerned about a child's behaviours professional advice should be sought having informed the child's social worker.

In therapy, children suffering from the condition learn to identify and modify certain aspects of their conduct. Common forms of ADHD behaviour management include coping skills such as learning to organise tasks in list form, breaking large tasks into smaller ones, and completing short tasks.

The second most popular method of ADHD behaviour management is medication. The most commonly prescribed stimulant medications are Ritalin, Adderall, and Dexedrine.

These medications take the form of behaviour management as they correct the chemical imbalance found in the brains of diagnosed children. Of the two methods mentioned, research suggests that medication is the more successful form of ADHD behaviour management.

If you are thinking about fostering remember that children need to really feel part of your life and the things you and your family do. Never lie to them or keep bad secrets and never moan about their family or their social worker - be positive, be honest and always aware that you have the privilege to really make a massive difference for the better in children's lives!

6 Tricks to Make Homework With Your Child Less Painful

Homework: the dreaded battle you have with your child every day after school. Does this sound about right?

Many children turn homework time into an all-night battle of the wills with their parents. Consequently, homework leaves a bad taste in parents' mouths and becomes the dreaded monster that invades their homes during the school year. As a teacher and a parent, I know some tricks that will get your kids on the right track to homework success. I've used these techniques in the classroom and at home. If you use these tricks consistently and firmly with your children, you will see impressive changes in their homework work ethic.

1. Find The Right Place to Work

Every child should have a designated place to do their homework, whether this is at the kitchen table or at a designated desk in their bedroom. Wherever you choose to have them work, make sure that you minimize distractions (no TV, rowdy siblings, etc) and give them all the tools they will need (pencil, paper, etc). Once you've chosen a spot that meets these criteria, make sure your child does their homework every day in this same spot. Making it a routine is important.

2. Set Aside Time for Homework

Children thrive on routine. In addition to having a designated spot to do homework, you should also have a certain time for them to do it as well. I like to make it about thirty minutes after we come home from school. This gives them time to go to the bathroom and eat a small snack before diving into their homework. I do not recommend waiting until close to bedtime or late in the evening unless you have no other option. Also, until you get the homework routine down so it's no longer a struggle for you and your children, try your best to be home during "homework time." I know a lot of parents who will run errands, visit family and friends, do fun things with the family, and other commitments smack in the middle of homework time. You will only break your momentum and put yourself back in square one if you do this.

After a while you will have more flexibility with "homework time." For example, I took my younger son to the pediatrician after picking up my older son from school. It was in the middle of "homework time." Life, as you know, doesn't always allow you to plan around your family routines. So, off we went to the doctor's office, but my older son was so accustomed to our homework routine that he did the work in the room as his brother got checked. If this happens to you, make sure you are equipped with a sharpened pencil

3. Re-Fuel Before Homework

This is a very simple thing to do that will boost your child's ability to successfully complete their homework without undue hassle. Simply provide your child with a drink and a small snack after school. Have your kids take a potty break after their snack and then make them get to work.

4. Consistency is Important

Your kids should do their homework in the same spot (as much as possible) every day. They should do their homework at the same time every day. Try to plan anything you need to do around homework time. Consistency is going to help you build the foundation for your child to make them successful in homework without stress on your part.

5. Positive Reinforcement to Encourage Your Children

Nothing turns a kid off faster than a nagging parent. Children will work harder when they receive praise for their efforts. For children who are resistant to homework to the point of not doing it, you may want to consider a rewards system (stickers on a chart, for example) to encourage their success. For other children, specific, positive verbal praise will help encourage your kids to keep up the good work.

6. Teach Them Homework Responsibility

To reduce stress off your shoulders, teach your children to be responsible for their homework. This means teaching them to keep track of their assignments. Teaching them to put their completed work in their backpacks. After you consistently enforce the routines for doing homework, at some point your children should be on autopilot and do it themselves with you simply overseeing everything.

Excellent Tips For Preparing Your Toddler For a New Baby's Arrival

There's nothing more exciting than expecting a new baby. But for a toddler, a new sibling means a lot of unwelcome changes. To the toddler, who is probably used to being the center of attention most of the time, it seems like everyone has focused on this new baby and has forgotten about her. In most cases, she doesn't even fully grasp the idea that a new baby is coming, much less what it will mean to her. All she understands is that Mom, Dad, Grandma, and everyone else who used to give her lots of attention are now focused on the "baby". If you want to keep sanity in your home when the new baby arrives, it's critical that you begin preparing toddler for a new baby's arrival. And the sooner you begin, the better.

Start preparing your toddler for a new baby's arrival from the time you discover that you are going to have another child. Toddlers love stories, especially stories about themselves, and one of the best ways you can do this is by sharing stories of when you were expecting them, and when they were little babies. Whenever a new milestone in the pregnancy is reached, point it out to the toddler. Remember that this is all a new and fascinating experience for him. When Mommy's tummy begins to show, when the baby begins to move, even things like cravings can be an opportunity to share with your toddler about his new brother or sister. Have fun with it. Let your little one feel the baby kick, tell them any weird food cravings you may be having. Laugh about the new baby together. Remember that while Mom's body is experiencing changes and everyone is hustling around to get things ready for the baby, your toddler will need an extra helping of special attention.

Another way of preparing toddler for a baby's arrival is to invite friends over who have babies, the younger the better. Even if you don't have friends with babies, it's important to explain as best you can what to expect from the new baby. Tell your toddler that babies really mostly cry and sleep when they first come home. Tell him that you will often need his help by being very quiet so the baby can sleep. Say things like, "the baby will need lots of sleep so she can grow up to be as strong and smart as you are." Of course, if you invite friends with babies over, let your toddler observe the baby as much as possible. This will help her have an idea of what to expect from a baby.

And once the baby arrives, make sure that you use some of those times when the baby is asleep to give your toddler lots of special attention. Help him to focus on all the things that he can do that the baby can't yet. This will help him feel proud of himself, and may help lessen the feeling that the baby is getting all of his attention. And don't rush off every time the baby cries if you are doing something with your toddler. It won't hurt the baby if she cries for a minute or two, and it will affirm to your toddler that you love her, too.

Lastly, a word of encouragement...it can be exhausting raising young children. But it doesn't last forever. They do grow up. Enjoy them while they're little, even when they wear you out. All too soon, they will be grown up and you will be giving someone else advice on toddlers and babies as you look back over these precious days.

Parents Connecting With Children For Healthier Relationships

Children, by nature, crave to connect with adults. From birth, a child's survival and well being depends on adults noticing him or her and taking action. If a child can't connect with parents with positive behavior, he or she may do it by misbehaving. For younger kids, it may manifest as fussing and whining, while older kids may become obstinate or defiant to get a parent's attention. When parents focus on a child's bid for connection in positive, healthy ways, that child is less likely to act out.

Emotionally connecting with a child in positive ways starts with active listening. Active listening is the ability to accept what a child is saying, while not necessarily agreeing. Giving proper time and attention to a child through active listening will allow the child to fully process information emotionally, before considering logical ways to react. When active listening, the listener must not ask a lot of questions, offer explanations or advice, prematurely problem-solve, or passively reassure. When listening, it's best to say little or nothing if at all possible, or perhaps offer slight acknowledgements or affirmations, without judgment or agreement.

When listening to a child, be prepared for emotional honesty. Studies show that most kids are pretty poor liars. In the healthiest of relationships, honesty is encouraged and respected. Having an "open mind" often helps, as sometimes parents can be quite surprised at what is uncovered during healthy connection. Some limits may need to be set if too much emotion begins to flow.

In other efforts to connect with a child, state your goals clearly. Subtle and confusing bids for connection may miss the mark with most kids.

Mom: "Want to go have lunch?"


Steven: "I'm playing a video game right now"

During this exchange, Steven interprets his mom's bid for connection as a simple request for information, not an effort at connection. Here's what happens when mom is more clear:

Mom: "I haven't seen you much this week and I have the day off today. I'd like to spend some time together. Want to go have lunch?"

Steven: "I'm playing a video game right now. Could we do something later?"


Mom: "Sure, let's set a time now that we both can count on."

Finally, when emotionally connecting with a child, understand that emotions can be intense for children. Children do not have the life experience to easily get past or move on from emotional entanglements with family and peers. A child may not understand that the sadness, fear or anger he or she is feeling is not going to last forever. When talking to kids about feelings, don't underestimate or dismiss the intensity of what is being experienced. Parents can have the patience and focus to help a child navigate the emotional journey, in an effort to build even stronger connection.

Your HS Student May Not Be Ready For College

Before parents decide to send their High School graduates off to college, they should carefully consider their student's chances for college success. As they told me during my own freshman orientation, "Look to the right! Look to the left! One of those two students won't be here for graduation." Those odds are even worse at some colleges today. That's why it doesn't make sense for parents to send a child off to college when he/she is not prepared to succeed.

To help you determine if your High School student is ready for college, take a few minutes to think about four areas that directly influence college success.

College Basics

In college, students are expected to have the maturity to do what is needed. Successful students are reliable. They find out what has to be done and perform those requirements to the best of their abilities.

Wise parents determine whether their children have the maturity to perform the basic requirements for college success. They ask and answer these questions:

- Will your child attend all of his/her classes, even the 8 a.m. classes?

- Will your child complete all of his/her assignments?

- Will your child turn in those completed assignments on time?

- Will your child actively participate in classroom discussions?

- Will your child put in the hours needed to study for tests or to research and write papers?

Have you answered "yes" to each of these questions?

Required Communication Skills

To be successful in college, students should have above average communication skills. That means that your child can and will need to:

- Read ~ ~ Speed, Comprehension, Memory


- Write ~ ~ Spelling, Punctuation, Grammar, Logic, Content, Sentence Structure, Style

- Speak ~ ~ Thought Process, Vocabulary, Voice Quality, Presence, Body Language

- Present ~ ~ Preparation, Practice, Make & Defend Arguments, Answer Questions

- Listen ~ ~ Comprehension, Note Taking, Follow Instructions, Accept Criticism

Are your child's communication skills adequate for success in college?

Degree of Difficulty

Not every student is ready to perform at the higher level required in college. Students will quickly find that there is more work and that work is more difficult than they experienced in High School. If students are not ready to step up and perform without any hand holding, they will quickly fall by the wayside.

Is your child capable and ready to perform at a higher level?

Drive and Determination

This is probably the most important factor in college success. If your High School student has not expressed a strong desire to attend college and has seldom demonstrated the determination to succeed at something important, he/she may not be ready. Additionally, since most college students will encounter a few problems and disappointments along the way, only the most determined students will be able to pick themselves up, quickly dust themselves off and get back in the game.

Does your student have the drive and determination needed to succeed when things get tough?

When parents look at their children objectively by considering these four areas of concern, they will be in a better position to determine if their children are ready to perform in college.

Does Feeding Your Family Have You Feeling Like a Short-Order Cook? How to Make the Most of Mealtime

Balancing nutrition for an entire family of mom, dad, kids, toddlers and babies isn't easy. You want your kids to eat healthy food, but kids are notoriously picky eaters. Add to that a husband with a voracious appetite and your own desire to maintain a healthy weight (or, let's face it, lose a few pounds) and you're in a pretty tough spot. Is there a way to keep everyone happy without making yourself crazy in the process?

It's not uncommon for many moms to find themselves faced with a situation just like this. Here are some suggestions to help you balance your family's nutrition.

Make the right choice

First and most importantly, remember that healthy food is healthy food. By choosing the right foods, you can achieve everyone's nutritional goals in one fell swoop.

Fresh fruits and vegetables are always smart choices, and the kind where you can't go wrong. Adults and children should eat anywhere from five to 10 servings of fruits and vegetables per day. That means your hungry hubby can max out on 10 servings, your picky 5-year old can eat five servings, and you can settle yourself somewhere comfortable in between.

As for the rest of your family's diet, choose whole-grain breads, pastas, rice, low-sugar cereals, low-fat dairy, lean meat, fish and tofu to end up with a balanced, healthy meal. By finding items from these food groups that your kids like, you'll keep everyone - including yourself - healthy and happy.

Planning makes perfect

While it's important to choose the right kinds of foods for your family, it's very easy for busy moms and dads to fall into the fast-food trap. When you're working all day and commuting from work to home, it's tough to come home and whip up a gourmet, well-balanced meal in minutes.

Start by writing yourself a weekly menu before grocery shopping. Make what you can ahead of time, and simply warm it up when you get home. Cook up meals in larger batches and stick them in the freezer. Even try buying salad in a bag and preparing vegetables the night before. The more time you spend planning your menu, the less chance there is you'll stop at the local fast-food outlet on the way home.

Variety is the spice of life

It's easy to get stuck in a nutritional rut when you've got kids. Maybe your toddler wants to eat nothing but macaroni and cheese, or you've got a 6-year-old who will eat nothing unless it's dipped in ketchup. Making a well-balanced meal that incorporates your child's quirky eating habits is often a lesson in frustration.

Don't despair if your kids rely on certain staple foods. Instead, try to offer your kids a variety of different foods and different spices. They might reject the new flavours at first, but persistence will pay off and your kids will eventually eat many different kinds of food. If your child still refuses to eat new foods, just ease off the pressure for a while.

Baby steps

Finally, remember that introducing your kids to new foods takes time. The optimal time to start teaching them healthy nutrition is when they're just starting solid foods as babies. Studies have shown that the more variety, the more flavours you introduce early on, the better your children will be later on.

Solving Sibling Rivalry

Being raised in a family will inevitably bring about a touch of sibling rivalry. It is all just a part of the growing up process. It has always been the case since the beginning of time, and I guess it will never change.

To try to make it a little easier. You could always try what is known as passive parenting.

We all know that kids love to tell over their brothers or sisters, just to try and get them into trouble. It happens in every family in the world. The way to try to make things a little easier is to try to get a few ground rules set. It is okay to inform on your siblings if they are intentionally being destructive in the house or with your property, or if they are hurting you for no reason, but if they keep trying to tell over them for something insignificant, then tell them off instead.

Instead of always sorting out their problems all the time, occasionally why not just say something along the lines of "wow that must really annoy you" do not always fix the problem but offer a statement instead.

If they repeat the problem, you just repeat the statement, this may get them mad at first but it will eventually teach them to stand up for themselves and sort out the problem.

Your children should be encouraged to set their own rules for what is right and what is wrong.

Siblings must ask permission from one another before they can play with or borrow another sibling's toy or they must ask permission before entering another sibling's room.

Sibling rivalry is all part of growing up together. It always has been, and it probably always will be; but if we try to teach our kids how to handle situations with more authority, this will stand them in good stead for later life.

Tips to Encourage Your Teenage Son to Keep His Underpants On

Boys in particular need to have an avenue to channel their emotions. What does your son do? Does he go to school come back home and get glued to the television, computer, Xbox or PSP and any other gadget of its kind? If you respond to this in the affirmative, he is one of the 'at risk' ones.

I have found that boys crave for affection from their parents just as much or even more than girls. But we tend to dismiss them so quickly. For instance when they cry or sulk you here parents say, 'don't cry you are a boy.' Boys tend to be denied love too early which makes them go after girls because they still want to cuddle up with someone who is willing to let them. They want a girlfriend not because they really know what love is themselves but because they need someone to hold them, hug them and make them feel 'soft' and 'gentle'. If however, they are at the stage of puberty, sexual desires creep in and as they have always learned to suppress their feelings, they feel the urge to dispense now and see no reason why not.

Discussing with a few girls recently they informed me that the boys pressure them so much and refusal means the friendship is over. To be honest that saddened my heart. The girls were between sixteen and seventeen. In schools sex is mentioned to a child at about the age of ten but many parents are guilty of never mentioning a word about sex to their sons even at sixteen. Who do we expect to tell our sons or much more guide them if not the parents? From all what they see and hear they are already yearning to know what the 'hush hush' topic is all about so raising the subject will offer appropriate guidance and you a peace of mind.

A major influence is peer pressure. Those who have had sex tend to boast about it making the others feel out of touch and awkward by still being virgins. So it is up to us to encourage our sons to maintain their integrity.

Boys persuade girls to give in to their desires, if she refuses he says she doesn't love him, but when she gives in he wants more and more. As parents, it is our duty to guide our sons. First, demonstrate true love and encourage him to burn his energy elsewhere by signing him up at a football club, basket ball pitch, in a pool swimming or on the tracks running. He could play the guitar or other instruments, if not, involve him in what you do especially if you have a business of your own.

Do not assume that your son wants to be love free because he behaves as if he could not care less. Such ones are those who really yearn for love. Make out time to talk with your son, so you know his thoughts and feelings. It might be easy if you have developed a rapport with him but if it is what you just have to initiate, this is a good starting point. Maybe he always locks himself in his room, try and get him to spend more time with the other members of the family. Maybe everyone in your household stay apart anyway, it is a good way of bringing them all together. You can save your son and yourself from bitter repercussions by starting today with no delay.

Are you a concerned parent or teenager who wants to maintain your integrity visit the family unit and teenskorner at http://www.hopefortheliving.com for more inspiration.

Have Responsibility - Seven Stages of Self-Liberation

There are seven stages of self-liberation on the road from birth to death. Each stage represents a change in freedom available to people. Simultaneously, there is an invisible change in acquired responsibilities.

1st stage. At birth a new born liberates himself, with pain and a cry, from his mother's womb to the world. What freedom! Yet, no responsibility whatsoever. Mother and other caregivers around are fully responsible for baby. It is freedom with full supervision.

2nd stage. Baby starts walking. Struggling with gravity and learning to maneuver a little body he liberates himself for freedom to move. His mother is still responsible for his life and safety. But from now on if he falls to the ground he would know that he did it himself, not that the ground jumped up and hit him. With the first steps comes the first realisation that he needs to rely on himself.

3rd stage. A child goes outside. The yard and street have so much to offer! Yet, there are also dangers. The child is learning to recognise what is what, with supervision of mother. With age and experience supervision lessens, and responsibility of the child increases. It is a stage of half freedom and half supervision.

4th stage. A child goes to school! There is less and less supervision from mother, more and more responsibility is put on the child. Perhaps it takes a decade for the child to become fully prepared for independence.

5th stage. It is an invisible stage happening in the mind of the growing child. Nature offers the ability to give birth to another human being. It is a higher level of freedom, which one didn't have before. Yet it is a great responsibility. The efforts of the growing child in realising this responsibility is self-liberation from ignorance to knowledge. If this process doesn't happen internally (in the mind), the lesson of responsibility may be very painful.

6th stage. A child is grown up and starts his own life. No supervision, full external freedom. Everything now depends on how much the grown up has developed internal freedom. Ideally, the grown up child must be completely financially independent from parents; and hopefully continue fully attached to the parents by his soul.

7th stage. Death. Full freedom from responsibility.

There are different stages of human development. We described Simon Soloveychik's unique view on this process, which he calls self-liberation. In fact, people are doing this every day. They liberate themselves from problems by solving them. So do children in their lives. They are going about their day to day routines overcoming their helplessness, to become empowered, moving from dependence to independence. In this way they are learning to be responsible.

Create Magic With Your Daughter

Magic is the ability to change consciousness at will. As a mother of a nine-years-old girl, I am striving to teach her magic wherever possible.

The turning of the season is an excellent opportunity for using magic as a consciousness-shifting tool, and this past Spring Equinox was an exciting juncture for practicing this with my daughter.

Winter was almost gone, but its cobwebs lingered. I felt a little weighed down after the long inwards months, as if some clouds were still lingering internally, if not out in the sky. I had to do something to shake them off!

A dear friend, who was born in Iran, mentioned that Iranians celebrate the New Year on Spring Equinox, with a series of ceremonial jumps over a fire. This sounded exciting:-)

I invited my daughter, Ellah, to let go of winter and welcome the coming spring with some magic. This word always ignites her imagination, as it still does mine. We gathered various pieces of paper that represented winter, such as schedules, and cards with information or events that took place during the winter months.

A fireproof bowl and a box of matches in one hand, a jar of flax seeds in the other, we headed toward our back yard. The grass was still dewy and a few rays of sun created tiny rainbows through them. Magic was afoot...

We placed the bowl on the ground, scrunched our pieces of paper in it, and set them on fire! I didn't explain anything; rather I stepped back and watched the flames for a moment. What I wanted to let go of became clear in my mind's eye within seconds. I proceeded to sprint and leaped over the fire, calling out: "I'm letting go of winter's procrastination!"

Before I had a chance to ask if she knew what the word meant, Ellah was behind me, jumping over the fire and announcing what she was letting go of! We started laughing together, and run back for more. I briefly asked her, and realized she didn't know what 'Procrastination' was. "Going around in circles, and not doing what I planned to do," I said to her, to which she answered by jumping over the flame again, calling: "I let go of laziness!"

I was thrilled. There was no need for laying out the concept or launching into explanations. An honest example was enough for her to follow suit. We went on and on, leaping over the flames, calling out to our hearts' content, laughing, giggling, excited, and yes, empowered, since we knew something was truly shifting in our lives, as we announced it was...

Having burned the last of winter and released its lingering weight, it was time for planting!

I opened the flax seed jar, took a handful of tiny, smooth seeds in my hand, and scattered them in the wind, calling out my gratitude. Ellah didn't need an invitation. She took the jar and went for it. Passing the flax seeds from one to the other, we went all around our front and back yards, scattering them wildly everywhere, naming out loud what we are grateful for, what we are planting, what we wish to harvest.

When we came almost full circle, we were amazed to see a single, blue, flax flower, on a thin stem, growing in our front yard. I was speechless for a moment, and then realized, in my adult's left-brain, that this must be one of the first flax seeds to grow from last year's scattering. Ellah, though, announced categorically: "They grew, Mom! It's magic!" And there was no way I was going to dispute this.

Our consciousness was certainly not the same by the end of this magical morning. I felt lighter, springier, and much more motivated to tackle the tasks on my plate. Ellah was impacted, I'm sure, in more ways then I could know.

We created magic by changing our inner winter-consciousness into spring. The mechanical change of clocks stands in stark contrast. Better known as 'Spring Forward' -- it does anything but... The changing of clocks is an external act, which typically leaves us disoriented and out of sync for days, if not weeks.

Changing consciousness at will, by creating an outer representation of what we wish to transform, is an internal act, which reverberates in our body, heart, and spirit. Creating it together with a child is doubly rewarding.

When you next want to explain something to your young one, think of how you could do it magically. How would you create an act that is meaningful to you? Forget explanations. Modeling will do the job better than any words you may come up with!

Teaching Your Children to Treat Others With Respect and Dignity

The only way to teach your children to treat others with respect and dignity is to have them be treated that way. The early years of a child's life is when he learns about the world and how to get along with others.

Parents play a very important role when it comes to teaching children how to form healthy relationships with their peers. This social competence allows children to express their feelings better, empathize with others, and be cooperative and generous in general.

The best way to teach children this lesson is by modeling this behavior to them. For example, using the word "please" or lending a helping hand to those in need is essentially teaching them how you'd like them to act.

Have your children assist you with daily tasks. Whenever they willingly offer to help, accept it. Make it a point to praise your child's behavior, and help them realize how emotionally fulfilling it is to help other people out.

Socially competent children display a strong sense of self worth and importance. In essence, a child who feels good about himself finds it easy to treat others in a positive and helpful manner.

Encourage acts of generosity through simple things such as sharing and cooperation. Let your child know once it is someone else's turn to play with a toy or go on a swing. Then, praise your child for being able to recognize the need to give way to others. Don't forget to thank them for being polite and respectful as well as for sharing and being cooperative.

Based on their own experience, children know that words are very powerful. Name-calling and teasing can immensely affect other people's feelings. Children always want to be treated fairly. The only problem is that they don't always know how to treat others the same way.

The most effective way to teach your child the concept of fairness is to explain a rule to him, and point out the fact that it not only applies to him, but to others as well.

Child Bitten by a Pet Animal - How to Deal With It

Most often than not children enjoy touching other people's pets and, before they do, they should ask the owner for their permission before going ahead and doing so.

Addition, teaching them how they can avoid a dog's bite and how to avoid getting hurt by any animal is also a good idea.

However, although an owner would have given his/her permission, the animals has a mind of their own and the animal may not be too happy at being touched, or for one reason or another, it might, scratch or bite them.

Therefore, if your child has been hurt in any way providing that it is not severe, you can treat it this way.

Vaccination

Find out from the owner if the pet is up to date with its vaccinations. If it is, then you do not have to worry about getting a rabies shot. If it is not up to date or if are not comfortable with the answer, you can take the child to the emergency room.

Bleeding

Allow the area to bleed a little so that it can take out with it whatever particles came with the injury and it works, as it's own cleaning agent.

Soap and Water

After allowing it to bleed for a little bit, wash the wound with only soap and water. Yes, only soap and water and not alcohol or iodine. You can run it under the pipe and afterwards you can pat-dry it before putting a Band Aid on it.

Sometimes infection could hide under the skin and as it heals, it will show up, therefore, keeping an eye on it for a bit, is advisable.

Reminder

Depending on the laws where you are, remind or inform the owner of the animal that the pet has to be observer for at least ten day by a veterinarian. This is to ensure that it does not have rabies.

If the bite has left your child with numbness in the area bitten area, additionally, if the bite or scratch looks as though it need stitches, then do not hesitate to get some medical help for your young one.

After the young one has been taken care of, he/she may be more than happy to play with another animal. However, if he/she is now scared of animals, it is not a good idea to nurture this fear. Do whatever you can to get him/her to over came this feeling and be once more, their usual self.

Protecting Your Children From Online Predators

We've heard about online predators before, and we know that there are things we can do to protect our children from them. But have we really taken the time to look into those things?

Two of our children use the internet everyday. In this article, I'll be sharing some rules that we use with our children, to help you protect your own children while surfing the net.

First of all, make sure that an adult approves adding an email address. Make sure that your children do not send emails to strangers, or subscribe to emails on unfamiliar websites. You don't want junk mail flooding your children's inbox. There's a big possibility that junk mail can contain information you don't want your children seeing, as well as links to inappropriate websites.

It would also help to keep the computer in a place where you can keep an eye on your child while he or she is using it. It's harder to track what sites your kids visit when they use the computer in their rooms. These days, it's easy for children to gain access to all kinds of websites, even the ones that they're not supposed to see. Just to make sure, you can check the internet history of the computer after your child uses it.

If you still feel the need to double check, you can check your child's email account. There you will be able to screen the emails that have been sent or deleted.

Come up with a list of favorites for the websites that they're allowed to view. If they want to check out a new website, make an effort to screen it first.

Don't allow them to search through Google or other search engines. Making sure that they stick to the websites you've approved makes their internet experience safer.

Following these suggestions will help ensure your child's safety while surfing the net. The world our kids live in today is definitely different from ours. It's always helpful to go the extra mile to make sure that they're safe.

Tips on How to Get Our Children Out of Bed

Sometime it can be a bit difficult to get our children out of bed in the morning and when they are finally up, they look as though they did not sleep throughout the night. This is not good because it will affect their concentration at school. Indeed, they may be so sleepy that this is all they can think about and at the end of the day, they cannot say to you what they had learned that day.

The following tips will be helpful in making sure that they have enough rest during the night and when they awake, they will be more than ready for the day's activities.

A Reasonable Time

Make sure that your young ones goes to bed at a time that you and they (if of age) considers to be reasonable and he/she should always goes to bed at this time. Yes, occasionally, due to other influences such as Parent Teacher Night, this may shift a bit.

However, this should be the regular bedtime.

On the other hand though, if the time that you have set is a bit too late, you will have to change it to an earlier time. You will be able to evaluate it in about a week or two. However, you must take into consideration everything that they do after school.

Babies

If there is a baby in the home, make sure as much as possible that the other children are not disturbed during the night. You can pull the bedroom door in and leave it ajar only slightly.

After School Activities

Always make sure that your children are not involved in too many after school activities. Sometimes children will not say to us, when they have had enough because they do not want to disappoint us. Therefore, they will keep going and going until one day it is too much for them.

This is why it is so important that we pay close attention to them, so that we will be able to see what they are saying to us and what they are not saying to us.

One child may be able to handle five after school activities without any problems. The next child may not, he/she may only be able to handle two after school activities and if this is the case we should not be forcing him/her to reach five. At least, not now and as time goes by, maybe he/she will be able to handle more.

How Open is Open Adoption?

I think something's missing from the collective "openness in adoption" discussion, and I think it's something we can't afford to miss. It's this: before it's anything else, openness is a state of mind.

True openness is acknowledging and respecting the whole of the adoption experience. It's inviting in the entirety of adoption and really meaning it.

For adoptive parents it means so much more than pictures and letters and annual visits with birth family.

It means not just listening, but being genuinely interested in what your adopted child has to say about adoption.

It means believing that your child's experience is (and will always be) different than yours, and accepting that even though you love them, even though they love you, even though they wouldn't want any parents other than you, they have lost people, places and things that matter.

For some adoptive parents, it means accepting that even though you love them, they may not love you the same way, and they may want parents other than you, and as difficult as that is for you, they don't "owe" you anything anymore than biological children "owe" their parents anything. Really not.

It means embracing your child as who they are and celebrating everyone and everything that shapes them - your personal feelings aside.

It means showing (not just telling) your child from day 1 that family is a safe place. It means showing (not just telling) your child how how to explore deep, confusing feelings without falling apart. It means showing (not just telling) your child that you're not threatened by their feelings for anyone else.

It means encouraging your child to think and feel whatever, whenever, however they need to as long as it's not destructive.

It means being mature enough to understand that whatever thoughts, feelings, wishes, fantasies, and experiences there are between your child and their birth family is about them, not you.

It means wanting more than anything for your child to live fully and authentically and always with the certainty of being loved.

It means seeking out other voices - other adoptive parents, adoptees, birth mothers, birth fathers, birth family - and really listening to what they have to say, especially if it's uncomfortable or painful. It means being secure enough to thoughtfully consider their perspective without scurrying into the emotional safety zone of "Oh, that's not going to happen to my child." or "Well, they're just that group of bitter, victims-by-choice."

It means accepting that at some point your precious darling child may self-identify as a bastard.

It means never taking responsibility for your child's feelings and never expecting them to take responsibility for yours.

It means having the confidence that children need their parents to have. It means being very clear about your role as Mom or Dad and very clear about the permanence of your family, because sometimes your child won't be, and if you're not either, it's going to freak them out and do some serious damage.

It means recognizing that everyone experiences life differently. Everyone experiences adoption differently. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. It means getting very comfortable with the fact that you don't speak for anyone but yourself. No one does.

Which is why after thinking a lot about what an open state of mind means for adoptees or birth families, I conclude that I really haven't a clue. I only know what it means to me.