Stay Home Dad Survival Tip #28 - Finding and Developing Your Child's Gift

One of the more challenging aspects of parenting can be dealing with your child's interests. As your child gets older, he or she will start to exhibit traits that are an indicator of what their interests are. I believe everyone is created for a purpose and our jobs as parents is to channel our children in the direction that will best help them develop into who they are to be, to find their destiny.

Every child has a different interest and way of expressing it. In my house, there is a budding music producer, a natural-born journalist, an athlete and an artist. Talk to your child or children; ask them what kind of things interest them. I have found that usually by the age of 10 or 11, most kids have a general idea of what they would like to do. The easiest way to discover this is to ask a question like this: "If you could do anything in the world that you wanted to do that was not mean, or against the law, and get paid to do it and it would be fun....what would you do?" By the middle school years, your child has an idea of what he or she really likes. Find out what this activity or interest is and find activities in your area that you can utilize to develop this interest.

There are a lot of things that can be purchased from thrift stores or be obtained for free. My 13 year old wants to be an animator. I was able to find an older version of Adobe Flash for him off of Craigslist - for free. No need to spend $600 for the newest version of the software when a little searching around can get cheaper results. I also found a weight bench at the thrift store for under $30.00 for my 18 year old when he was weight training for football. For my budding music producer, I found an old keyboard that someone was getting ready to throw away and asked for it. All it needed was batteries. Now, the kids themselves have learned how to be resourceful and search for items that can be easily downloaded or viewed on the Internet for no cost.

I know it can get pretty hectic, running around from dance classes to art, to little league and pee-wee football practice, music lessons, etc, so some strategic planning is necessary, if you have several children, especially if you are a single parent. Find other parents in the area whose children are attending the same activities and share the load.

Most importantly, you have to be interested and supportive. You cannot decide for your child what his or her gift or talent is. You cannot push them towards what you want their gift to be, nor downplay what they want to do. There is nothing more frustrating that casting your frustrated desires and accomplishments onto your child. I know there are a lot of men out there (and women too) who really like sports, but just because you have a son or daughter who may have a great athletic build, you cannot force athletics upon your kid. He or she may not want to do that. Don't put your frustration on not accomplishing what you may have wanted to on the sports field onto your child. You may have the next business mogul or president of the United States. It's not about what you want them to do so you can look good and brag; it's about what they want to do...what they were created to do. In all reality, you should brag because they are your kids. If your son wants to be a dancer and you play for the NFL.... so what. Let him do it. He's not you. He's a product OF you but he's NOT you.

I've spoken with a lot of parents who struggle with this. Just because you have an Olympic gold medal or a Super Bowl ring does not mean that your child should be doing the same thing. For instance, President George Bush's daughter Laura loved to read books and she wanted to be a schoolteacher. She had no desire to be a lawyer. Her parents supported her.

Our children are not necessarily going to do what we do, because they are not us. But we can influence them in a positive manner and with our support, they will be successful in whatever they do. You need to do this because you never want your kids to feel that they are disappointing you by their career choices.

A child who grows to be an adult feeling unfulfilled because they sought your dreams instead of his or her own will be very frustrated as an adult. A child whose dreams are squashed and discouraged will find adult life to be more challenging than it should be. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I was invited and visited by the representatives of a prestigious design college, but was laughed at and discouraged. I was told "That kind of stuff is for sissies."

Let your child show and teach you what their interest is, support them 100%. Communicate with your children and devise a game plan early on to insure your kids' success.

Feel Confident With Your Kids With Home Drug Tests

Having children can be a scary experience with so many things going on in the world. There is concern about whether you kids are having sex, smoking, drinking or doing drugs. While it simply isn't possible for you to find out everything that you need to know unless they confess or you follow them, there is an option for you if you want to know if they are drinking or doing drugs. Home drug tests make it possible for parents to get a bit of peace of mind when it comes to their kids and what they are doing when they aren't at home.

The first thing that you need to know about doing home drug tests is that they are perfectly legal. No matter how much your kids stomp their feet or talk about invasion of privacy, if they are under the age of 18 and they are your responsibility, then you can compel them to submit to the test. Fortunately, if your child is being unreasonable and refuses to pee in a cup to get the test done, you can simply use their saliva. Both ways will yield accurate results and let you know if your child is doing drugs.

The great thing about using home drug tests is that they are very inexpensive. You can purchase a test that checks for Amphetamines, Methamphetamines, Cocaine, Opiates, Marijuana and Phencyclidine for about 15 dollars. A kit that checks for alcohol via saliva is about eight dollars. If you want to check for nicotine, it will require a urine test, but it is only about three dollars. There are dozens of other home drug tests that you can purchase that test for single agents (if you have a suspicion about what drug might be being used) or a broad spectrum of agents if you aren't sure.

It never feels good to suspect your children of doing drugs and breaking the law, but the bottom line is, it is up to you to protect them. If you are worried about drug, alcohol or cigarette abuse, you have options. Check them for drugs, let them know that you are watching and that you are willing to do what it takes to ensure that they don't break the law or damage their bodies and/or minds because of substance abuse.

A Parent's Guide to Childhood Anxiety

It is estimated that about 1 in 8 children experience some form of an anxiety disorder. Anxiety can be mild, and very temporary, as in simply being nervous about an upcoming event, to more severe and long lasting forms such as panic attacks, obsessiveness and traumatic stress responses. Symptoms of anxiety can range from low-level physiological responses such as headaches, upset stomach or irritability to intense nausea, sweating and an overwhelming incapacity to function. Anxiety may be generalized and manifest itself in a variety of surroundings and situations or it may be specific such as test anxiety. One of the more common types of anxiety for children is separation anxiety and parents can often see this exhibited when they leave a child such as going to work in the morning or taking the child to day-care.

Separation anxiety can be a phase. However, if it is not approached properly it can develop into other forms of anxiety such as social anxiety, phobias or trauma. Regardless of the type of anxiety a child experiences, treatment is available. In some cases, simple, supportive communication from a parent or significant adult can alleviate the anxiety. In other cases, professional intervention may be required. Because parents exert such a strong influence over their children, and because children mostly trust and rely upon their parents, and because going to a professional therapist introduces a stranger, parental intervention can be very effective when done properly.

One of the big mistakes parents often make in responding to a child exhibiting anxiety is to discount the child's experience. For example, if a child is exhibiting symptoms of anxiety and says they are afraid of going into their bedroom because a monster is there, to say "don't be silly there is no monster in your room" essentially tells the child they are lying. To the child's mind, there may be a "monster" in the room, in whatever form it may take. A much better approach is to accept the child's experience and lead the child to a more rational view. For example, the parent could say something like "oh, really, how do you know a monster is in your room?" If the child says "I saw it there" the parent can ask the child to elaborate on what it looked like, when it is there, what it does there and then lead the discussion to possible strategies to deal with this problem by emphasizing the various strengths and supports the child has at his or her disposal. It is far more important to help the child learn to deal with these kinds of situations than the actual removal of the monster. In that regard, anxiety becomes an opportunity to develop certain psychological skills that can be very useful throughout life.

The same kind of approach can be used for more intense forms of anxiety. In almost every case, anxiety is generated by internal dialogue, referred to as "self talk" and subconscious mental imagery. Because children are not well developed linguistically, many of their anxieties are produced from subconscious mental pictures. For example, the child above is likely not saying internally that there is a monster in the room; they are probably imagining a monster in the room. The same kind of imaginings can be at the root of social anxiety in which the child is imagining any number of unpleasant, negative and "bad" scenarios in social settings, all of which may not be realistic. Test or performance anxiety is often generated by subconscious mental imagery of failure and, perhaps, punishment resulting from that failure.

Because children have such a high need for safety and protection, most all anxiety can be relieved when the child's sense of safety and protection is bolstered. Exactly how that is accomplished will depend a lot on what the child says in response to questions about the situation. For example, a parent can ask a child who thinks a monster is in their room what they need to feel safe in their room. If the child says the monster has to go away, the parent can collaborate with the child in figuring out what needs to happen to get the monster to leave. It is important that the child participate in the strategies to remove the monster. It may not be enough that the parent goes into the room, comes out and says the monster is gone.

More intense forms of childhood anxiety, such as ongoing and intense phobias, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorders or posttraumatic stress responses would likely require professional intervention. However, even in those situations, parents can help reduce the symptoms of anxiety by respecting and acknowledging the child's experience, listening with an open mind, asking appropriate questions, in a supportive and inquisitive manner and letting the child know, in a way the child can easily understand, which may require not just words, but behaviors as well, that they are loved, cared for, and, above all else, safe.

A Parent's Guide to Childhood Nightmares

Childhood nightmares, or very bad dreams, are not uncommon and often need nothing other than a parent's consoling embrace to remedy the immediate situation. Nightmares may occur for several reasons. Because children are very impressionable, watching a scary movie at night before bedtime can easily trigger a nightmare. If there is a high stress or frightening situation going on in the home, or at school, and the child has not been able to disclose this information to his or her parents, or a teacher or trusted adult, the nightmare may serve as a release valve. Certain life events such as the death of a pet, relative or parent, an auto accident, or a significant injury can be the source of nightmares. If the child is experiencing moderate generalized or social anxiety, or panic attacks, nightmares may serve as a way of processing those experiences.

The best way a parent can respond to their child's nightmares is to be comforting and supportive. If the child is able to talk about the nightmare, the parent can listen with an open mind. The parent can ask questions, in a very gentle way, probing into the details. It helps for the parent to remind the child where they are at the present moment, in the bedroom, and safe. A parent can also ask the child what they need to feel better. Children are often quite perceptive about what they need. The child may ask to sleep in the parent's bed. This may be acceptable but should not become a pattern. The child may ask that a light be turned on, and kept on, in their room, which is perfectly reasonable. The parent can also introduce ideas. There are some wonderful music CD's specifically geared toward lowering brain-wave patterns, calming the mind and relaxing the body. Such a CD could be played at low volume in the child's room. Because children engage in magical thinking, a parent can introduce the idea of special protective "fairy dust" that can be sprinkled throughout the room (fine sand or baking soda would work fine for this) or a magical protective crystal placed on the nightstand.

Recurring nightmares, in which the same general content is repeated night after night, is indicative of some psychological-emotional issue that needs to be addressed. Because the conscious mind is out of commission during sleep, the subconscious mind has its best opportunity to intrude. If there are issues that have occurred during the normal waking life which are troublesome, painful or frightening and have not been disclosed to parents or trusted adults, the material is repressed. And yet, such material seeks expression and release, which often occurs at night during the REM (dreaming) period of sleep in the form of a nightmare. For this kind of recurring nightmare, professional intervention is recommended. Most professionals would employ some form of play therapy to help understand the meaning of the nightmares and to help the child express hidden, and sometimes traumatic, information. Once the issue is made conscious, it can be dealt with and the nightmares vanish.

Some nightmares may be entirely symbolic and part of growing up. Children between the ages of 2 - 13 develop at an incredible pace. The biological, cognitive, emotional and social changes that occur during this period are remarkable. Growing pains, the adjustments to new ways of interacting with the world, can be unsettling and can trigger nightmares. In such cases, the content of the nightmare may not be relevant to any specific issue going on in daily life, but more symbolic about passages from one stage of life to another. In such cases, the parent can simply explore the content of the dream with the child and perhaps give meaning to the nightmare through talk, drawing pictures or, depending on the age of the child, writing a story about it. In many cases, its possible to then to alter the ending of the nightmare so it is not only less scary, but positive, emphasizing the strength, capacities and resources of the child.

Attachment Parenting - An Overview of What it Is

Attachment parenting is becoming more and more popular as parents want to do the right thing for their children. Attachment parenting is a type of parenting that describes a highly responsive and highly attentive style of caring for a child. Pediatrician William Sears and his wife first coined the term "attachment parenting". Dr Sears has several parenting books that are popular in the parenting world. This highly responsive and attentive style is considered to promote physical and emotional closeness between parent and child. It promotes this closeness through bonding, breastfeeding, cosleeping, slings and various other things.

Attachment parenting encourages the parent to hold their baby often in the first weeks of life. The first 6 months are considered the "in arms" phase and parents are encouraged to hold baby as often as possible. Closeness is important so things like using a sling to help keep baby close while you get on is encouraged and also cosleeping. Breastfeeding is also encouraged and seen as an important part of a baby's development physically and emotionally.

Those who practise this style of parenting tend to learn from their baby by keeping them close to them and devoting lots of time and attention. Parents tend not to go by a clock or a schedule but look for signs from their child about their needs.

When a child cries they are responded to instantly. Attachment parenting does not advocate, "Cry it out" and believes that you can't spoil your child from constantly responding. Responding to their baby's cries every time allows a relationship of trust to be built and unnecessary suffering. A baby cries for a reason and it is an important survival tool.

Breastfeeding, of course, is another important aspect. Parents usually will practise extend breastfeeding too acknowledging the important of nurture and bonding as well as nutrition when it comes to nursing.

Along with breastfeeding, cosleeping and sling wearing, attachment parents tend to use gentle discipline that is age appropriate. For example parents may put breakables out of the way of a toddler, as it would be unrealistic to expect a baby to stop itself from reaching for objects they may find fascinating. Guidance, role modelling and gentle punishments as well as no discipline are things that attachment parents would use to deal with their children.

Of course not all advocates of attachment parenting will use all these different things but many do. This type of parenting is about knowing your baby and responding to them. It is about following your instincts as well and often many parenting styles can make a parent feel as though they are going against instinct because they are.

This type of parenting is a great way to relax and enjoy your child without feeling guilty or feeling like you are spoiling your child. It can be the best thing you do for you and your baby.

How to Encourage Your Shy Child in Team Sports

Any parent with a shy child knows that being put in front of a large crowd and asking them to perform well is like a death sentence. Crying, panic attacks and failure are nearly a guaranteed result. There is a distinct difference between children who don't like sports and those who just break down at game time. So, how do you get your child to enjoy team sports and participate in all that a team requires? The answer will depend on your child, but here is a great place to start:

1. Have a Talk with the Coach. This is the most important step to helping your child move forward. It is important that the coach understand your child's issues and allow for them to be worked through. For instance, in the case of my child, she always did well in practice, but broke down at game time. She was actually one of the better players on the team, but just couldn't pull it together for the games. The coach was very frustrated and assumed I was coddler her too much by not pushing her to stay in the game. After my talk with the coach, however, he just encouraged her to come to the first two games and told her she didni't have to play. Then, he said she could just play one quarter (it was soccer). Having the coach understand why things are happening will change their attitude and allow the coach and child to communicate in a positive manner.

2. Encourage and Support Your Child. Don't push too hard, but don't let them quit either. Allowing them to quit will not help them in the long run. Even if it means only playing one quarter, or even one play of the season, they are on a team. Teaching them to work through hard times and knowing you are there to help them will build their confidence. The sense of accomplishment they experience will bleed over into other areas, like school.

3. Allow Them to Express Their Emotion. If they need to cry, let them. For a shy child to work through performing in from of large groups of people is a very bold and courageous thing. It takes a lot of energy and sometimes they need a release.

Whenever your child has issues, you must delicately balance encouraging them to be strong and finishing the task with allowing them to move at their own pace. Helping your child become more self-confident and overcome some extreme shyness is a process that must be taken step-by-step, but its one that every child can win.

Getting Kids Into a Routine

The carefree days of summer are behind you and the school term is about to start. This is the ideal opportunity to start to get your kids into a regular routine.

Nobody wants to get their kids up on a school day and then have to rush around like idiots just to make sure that they are not late. It is imperative that a routine is started to make things easier for everybody concerned.

Once you get the kids into the habit of going to bed at the same time, they will find it easier to get up at the same time and have their breakfast at the same time; things will run smoother for everybody.

When the kids come home from school they inevitably just want to play with friends. Get them into the routine of firstly doing their homework and then getting things out ready for the morning. This will then give them the free time they are wanting before they have to retire for the night.

Regular bathing at night is beneficial to kids and gets them into good habits; they can also get their uniforms ready for the next school day, another routine for them to start.

The routine is the same every morning; make sure that the kids do not turn on the television or the computer when they get up. This could make them run late. It is important for them to learn to set off for school at the same time every day.

Once they have established a regular routine, the kids will be under less stress not having to rush around in the morning and this can only be good for their health.

Routine does not just mean preparing things for the morning. Routine also means eating proper nutritional meals and grooming them properly. If this is done at an early age then it will become automatic in later life.

How I Got My Toddler to Sleep Through the Night - And How You Can Too

If you are a mom of young children, you have probably read all there is to read about getting your baby or toddler to sleep all the way through the night. You may even be surprised by the fact that the title says "toddler" instead of "baby. After all, there are countless books out there that tell you exactly what to do. I've heard it all "let them cry it out", "start after the first few weeks", "never let them sleep with you", etc. Well, guess what? It just doesn't always work. Suddenly you find yourself waking up several times a night for a 2-3 year old, wondering how it ever happened.

For me, it happened partly because I think the first several months are important for a child to be tended to, and it worked just fine for my other two children (plus my husband has insomnia, and this particular child was so pitchy when she cried that she disturbed not only my family my neighbors as well). Yet, it was time for her to stop waking up so many times a night, and I was determined to finally get her to sleep for long stretch. So, at 10 months old, I decided to tough it out and let her hang on to her stubborn will as long as she wished. She screamed for two hours straight before I went to bed to try and ignore it - but she wasn't done. I peeked in to check on her, as the crib was strategically positioned for me to be able to peek through the crack I had left without her seeing, and she was just plain mad. I went to bed and waited for the screaming to subside.

Now at 2 1/2 hours of screaming, it suddenly the got louder, and seemingly closer, and then further away. Naturally I had to get up and check. She had flipped herself out of her crib to come looking for me! There were no pillows to stand on, she just did a pull up and flipped herself out, then started through the house to find me and give me a piece of her mind. Keep in mind, this 10 month-old little girl had just started walking and was not a large child. She was only in the 10th percentile in for her height and weight, and she still managed to maneuver out of her crib like a skilled monkey. At this point I knew my nights of sleeping without a child were over. It was just plain dangerous and my baby's safety came before convenience.

Some of you may wonder why I didn't let her cry it out sooner. I tried. She made my other kids cry and gave my husband sleepless nights for days. Frankly, she probably would have flipped herself out even sooner than that and really hurt herself. So now being stuck with a stubborn toddler, the only method I found that worked was the "star system".

The star system was so simple, and yet I had to wait until she was old enough to understand it. If she slept through the night, she got a star. When she got 20 stars in a row, she got to pick out the toy of her choice at the toy store. The catch to it was, 20 stars in a row. So, if she only slept 3 nights, and missed the fourth, she had to start over. Every time she got distracted, frustrated, or lost sight of her goal, I took her to the store to see what she was missing. There were many fits and tantrums, but it finally worked. It took 3 whole months but it worked -- and she was proud of herself too.

For all you moms like me, we are all in a place (or have been in a place) where some other parents judge us or simply don't understand. Sometimes you just can't apply the rules, make it work, and still feel good about it. So all you moms should take comfort in knowing that you are not the only one. It is not always lack of discipline or structure, sometimes it's just what life hands you... and it only gets better.

Information About Road Safety Rules For Children

Road safety is not only important for adult. Since children also need to walk and play in the fresh air, they also spend their time on the road with you. Therefore, you need to pay attention on road safety rules for your children. You can check out the following information and protect your children from any dangerous things on the road.

Basically, in a way to protect your children while on the road, you need to accomplish the most significant requirement that includes the combination of education, safety equipments for passenger and pedestrian like car seats, seat belts, helmet, and also the other proper compliance that comes with safety recommendation. Since today there are a lot of accidents happen on the road, fulfilling these requirements will be the wise things to do.

Talking about the car seat, it is suggested for parents to install this equipment with proper guidelines. Installing car seat properly will help your children to prevent getting neck injury. In some states, you will find that children under six years old should sit on the car seat, while children above six years old should use the seat belt at all times. Just check out the regulation in your state and follow it in order provide safety for your children while on the road.

Moreover, if your children need to use a seat belt, you have to make sure that it is tight enough for them. However, do not tighten the seat belt too much tight since it can make your children difficult to breathe. Just make sure that your children feel comfortable with their seat belt.

Spanking a Child Affects Brain Development

Recent research on human brain development has shown that spanking and other corporal punishment will have a significant adverse affect on the development of a child's brain and brain function. Whenever a child experiences fear and stress, especially when combined with high emotional confusion or emotional separation from a parent or other caregiver, that child becomes biologically and neuro-chemically alarmed and on high alert.

The human brain consists of four distinct layers, the brain stem, mid-brain, limbic system, and the cortex. The brain stem is responsible for the most primitive functions of the body like breathing, body temperature regulation, and blood pressure. The midbrain, also called diencephalon, is a bit more complex, but still mostly reflexive, and is where a person operates when he or she is in a state of alarm. This is the instinctive "fight or flight" area of the brain and is a non-thinking and non-feeling place. The limbic system is the area responsible for experiencing and expressing emotions. The cortex, especially the pre-frontal cortex, is responsible for thinking, problem-solving, showing judgement and a conscience.

Two other key parts of the brain are the hippocampus, which stores memories, and the amygdala, which is part of the limbic system and determines which part of the brain is activated in a given situation. The hippocampus and amygdala work together to determine which parts of the brain are in charge. At any given moment, one of the three upper levels (midbrain, limbic system or cortex) is in charge based on the decisions of the amygdala and hippocampus.

The brain produces powerful chemicals called hormones. Normal development sees the brain release healthy doses of hormones to help a child learn resilience. During times of fear, however, stress hormones can flood the brain, causing anxiety and panic in the child, meaning he or she is less capable of thinking. During an unhealthy "hormone dump," a child will become hypersensitive and overly-reactive until the hormones dissipate, which may take an hour or as long as a day. Because a child's brain is constantly being wired, high states of alarm can "over-wire" a child's midbrain, making it denser and more dominant than it should be.

During these episodes of fear, the hippocampus stores memories for the purpose of protecting and preparing the child for future incidences. For the rest of the child's life, the memories stored in the hippocampus can trigger the same responses that activates the reflexive midbrain.

Whenever a child is highly fearful or alarmed because a parent or other caregiver is inflicting physical pain (like spanking) combined with unhealthy and out of control emotion, his or her brain development is being adversely impacted. A child with a brain that has been developed in healthy ways can function relatively smoothly, allowing the child calmness to think, emotionally connect, pay attention and grow intellectually.

Withholding discipline is not the answer. Finding healthy ways of effective discipline (limit setting, healthy consequences, making amends, etc.) will help develop a child's brain in healthy fashion.

Solving the Age Gap Between Your Kids

It can be awkward to figure out what to do with children when there is an age gap between them, especially if you run a day-care centre, where there are many different age groups to look after.

There are activities that can be played between children irrespective of their ages, or you could have activities where the younger children are looked after by the older children.

There's no need to worry about what you can do to accommodate each individual age group. Here are a few tips on what activities are available to you if you are in this situation.

Craft classes are a good idea for kids of all ages. These can be done indoors or outdoors, and so it does not really matter where you are, or what the weather is like. If it is fine you can go outdoors, but if it is raining there are still plenty of craft ideas that can be done indoors.

Let the kids just run with their own ideas. You could just be there for them in case they have any questions or queries. You supply the materials and let them do the rest. You should quietly be impressed with the variety of work that each age group will turn out.

Other ideas to get everybody involved in could be playing Hide and seek, this can be played by all the age groups together, it does not really matter how old you are, you could even decide to join in yourself if you so wished.

If there are games that are really only suitable for the younger children, then why not let the older children organise and run the games themselves? Looking after the young children is a good way to teach the older children about responsibility. This can be handy for them in later life and make them more independent and confident.

Do not think that you have to always tell the children what they should and should not do. Let them organise their own games occasionally, you could always be on hand in case they need any help.

Quick Breakfasts For Busy Parents

If you're a parent, you surely must know the importance of giving your kids a healthy, hearty, and nutritious breakfast each day. This fuels them for the day ahead, especially when it comes to school. Therefore it's important to plan properly around this meal.

Regardless of anything you may otherwise believe, all kids absolutely need breakfast. Without it, they stand the risk of drudging their way through a sluggish morning devoid of any nutrients and minerals that feed the body and mind with energy.

You don't need to be super creative when planning breakfast for your children, but you should know that there are plenty of options and possibilities and shouldn't lose sight of this fact. Let's take a look at some of the things you may want to consider.

Something quick may be more appropriate if you're pressed for time. Perhaps heating up a breakfast treat will appeal to you.

The most important part about breakfast is making sure that you're consuming foods that are good for the body. Don't neglect this small point, as the energy the right foods give will be a great contributor to a great day.

Maybe some toasted bread to start the day would appeal to them, especially if you sweeten it with some fruit or jelly. Cereal with things like sliced bananas are great as well.

Something as simple as a little milk will give your kids more energy and nutrients than almost anything else. A cereal bar is never a bad idea either.

The day is very long and children can get very hungry between their first few meals of the day. Therefore, giving them a big breakfast is integral.

Have Responsibility Through Self Liberation

In order to raise responsible children parents give them freedom, hoping that "with freedom comes responsibility" (Eleanor Roosevelt). That is true with one important clarification. "Freedom that leads to responsibility is not given or granted; it is obtained by internal efforts. A child develops not by freedom itself, as some people think, but by the child's own actions to obtain freedom, by the child's self-liberation" (Simon Soloveychik).

The confusion in perception of freedom is hidden in its external and internal character. Parents widespread perception of freedom is usually an external freedom: freedom to move, to play, and to have a variety of choices. Those parents, who can afford, usually provide more space and toys to children with the hope that children naturally develop themselves. But children may not be able to handle freedom. Often they go wild and run out of control: they scream, they hit each other, they bother each other, or they hurt themselves. As a result parents limit children's freedom, for example by taking toys away, or by giving a time out. In other words, parents use the external freedom of children as a reward and punishment tool, by either giving freedom to children or taking it away.

Often, when freedom is taken away, children become rebellious. They strive to liberate themselves from their parents' petty prohibitions, and often the children's strength is exhausted in this fight. By the time they have a chance to be free from parents (become adolescents), they exchange their freedom for dependence on their peers. When grown up such people don't know responsibility, because their decisions were made for them by other people. Thus, external freedom given by parents has no direct relation to raising responsibility in children.

Internal freedom has a different character. It can not be given or taken away. Children don't necessarily need too many choices. They need one activity at a time, with a purpose, with meaning; it must be challenging, and simultaneously, it must be doable. Children learn from their own efforts while exploring something new. This internal discovery from "I didn't know" to "Now I know!" brings deep satisfaction to children, as it would bring to adults, is a self-liberating process. From being helpless - to being skillful: this is the process of self liberation which leads to internal freedom. Parents cannot take this freedom away from children. Nobody can. When children become teenagers and know internal freedom, they liberate themselves from limitations of life, from weaknesses of character, from cowardice, and from social injustice. They are not dependent on peer pressure. They make their own decisions and are responsible for those decisions.

Only with self-liberation comes responsibility. Only with internal freedom comes responsibility.

Keeping Kids Active - A Key For Success at School

Do you want your kids do better in school? Keep them active physically. Never underestimate the val­ue of physical fitness. Many preschool children do not meet average fitness standards, which in turn make them prime targets for cardiovascular disease.

It is up to parents to estab­lish physical fitness as a priori­ty for preschool children and continue this involvement once kids go to school. Stud­ies prove that children who do get the proper amount of exer­cise perform better academical­ly. They also need the mechani­cal stress of exercise for proper bone growth.

When you think about yourself, when you sit for a long period of time you become tired. If you get up and go for a walk you come back refreshed and ready to re­ally get things accomplished. Children are the same.

What can parents do? Begin to plan an activity each day as soon as you have your baby. Take walks outside, keep active inside. Turn off the TV and move. Dance or crawl, roll and skip.

There is evidence that watching TV or playing computer games for long periods of time puts your body in the flight and flee mode, thus shooting chemicals into your blood which eventually clog your veins. Turn off the TV and get your kids moving.

If you want the best for your children, you must allow them the opportunity to get exercise each and every day. What ways does your family promote fit­ness?

By Joan Craven ©2010

Are You Fitting in Or Being Yourself?

Every woman wants to be who she is. I'm sure you feel this desire deep within you. Yet have you felt another feeling that holds you back, one that stops you from taking risks and trying something new that calls you?

Every woman feels this hesitancy from time to time. Sometimes it's a daily feeling of being unable to do what you most long to do to express yourself.

Doug and I love reading books together at night. We're currently reading "The Princess of Landover," a fantasy book by Terry Brooks, one of our favorite authors. Last night in our story, Mistaya the teen daughter of our hero was brought into the principal's office due to a series a misbehaviors.

The first to speak is Miss Appleton the principal, " This isn't the first time you've broken the rules, and I am quite certain that if things continue on as they are, it won't be the last...In order for the learning process to function...the students must adhere to the rules...students must find a way to fit in. You don't seem to feel this is necessary."

Mistaya boldly agrees, "No, I don't. I think we are here to discover ourselves so that we can do something important with our lives. I don't think we're meant to fit it; I think we're meant to stand out. I don't think we are meant to be like everyone else."

If you're willing to tell the truth, you most likely grew up in a school and a family where fitting in was expected and sometimes forced upon you. Now, as adults, sometimes without knowing it, you may have internalized the pressure to fit in - to believe, say and do what everyone else believes, says and does.

The pattern of fitting in often perpetuates itself through multiple generations. You grow up in a family where fitting in and doing the 'right' thing is expected. Your parents, who grew up in a family where fitting it and doing the 'right' thing is expected, passed this on to you. Your parents' parents did the same. As you can see, this can go on and on.

So now we come to you as a parent, whether your child is 2, 12, or 22. You have choices to make - Will you continue the pattern to fit in or will you be fully yourself? Will you expect your child to fit-in and conform or do you want him to be himself?

Here are 3 potent questions to ask yourself to find more clarity:

#1 - Who did I learn from as a child and who do I look to now as my role model?

Unfortunately, when it comes to loving yourself and raising your child, there is a lot of misguided, limiting ideas floating around in our culture. If you look deeply at the lives of the people you are modeling, you may not really want to be like them or to live their lifestyle.

This does not mean you are criticizing them. It's simply a matter of your personal choice.

#2 - What am I trying to accomplish with this action?

Often, we do things automatically without really stopping to consider why we're doing what we're doing. We do it or say it, it feels right (and familiar), and we go on. The important thing to remember here is that everyone has been taught to believe, speak, and act in certain ways. It's usually your parents and your teachers, but it can be anyone, even the kid you met at the playground when you were six.

#3 - Is this really what I want?

Each person is unique. No one else has your unique combination of talents, insights, and gifts to share with the world. No other child has the gifts of greatness that your child does. Because of this, it is crucial that you that you live your life and parent your child based on who you are and who your child is, and NOT doing something because everyone else is doing it.

Wondrous things happen in lives and relationships the more you think for yourself and listen to your own inner guidance. Choose what's good for you, what's good for your child, and delightful miracles will happen. You have the power! I invite you to share your beauty and wondrous gifts even more with your family and the world!

Copyright 2010 Connie Allen

Misplaced Loyalty Toward Hurtful Parents

Our feelings about our parents can be very complicated. Some of what we feel depends on how they treated us when we were growing up as well as how they treat us today. Sometimes, we just go along with what our culture or society tells us we should feel.

If we have loving, supportive parents, the issue is quite simple: we love them back and appreciate everything they did for us. It gets more complicated when our parents were less-than-ideal. If they neglected, rejected or even abused us, we grow up to believe that it was due to our own inadequacies. Children typically blame themselves for what goes wrong in the parent-child relationship.

Rather than holding our parents accountable for how they treated us, we take responsibility for what happened and then try to change ourselves in order to finally win the love they've been withholding. What we don't realize is that when our parents hurt or reject us it has nothing to do with what's lacking in us and everything to do with their inability to love and accept their children.

Because it's about them, no matter how hard we try to ingratiate ourselves to our parents, their feelings toward us won't change. When we fail to win their approval we might feel hurt or even angry, but many of us also believe that we haven't tried hard enough to please them. The truth is, love is not a commodity to be bought and sold. Our parents will love us if they are able to, and for no other reason.

Still, it's easier for us to keep blaming ourselves because it's preferable to facing the unthinkable: the fact that our parents don't love us. This is an extremely painful realization to come to terms with. Most people would rather do anything than accept this as the truth. Not only is it painful; it's humiliating.

Even when we recognize that it's not about our own failings, we don't like the idea of admitting to our friends or loved ones that we grew up with parents who were hurtful or rejecting. There's always the fear that others will wonder what we might have done to deserve it. It's also hard to silence the voice of the "inner critic" which continually tells us that it really is our fault.

Paradoxically, those of us who were loved and accepted while growing up have a much easier time separating from our parents than those of us who were neglected, rejected or abused. A secure, loving attachment during childhood leads to a healthy ability to detach as an adult. Those of us from the former group are able to see our parents clearly as the decent but imperfect human beings that they are and can live rich, fulfilling independent lives.

Those of us in the latter group have a much harder time letting go of our parents. We tend to be quite enmeshed with them in adulthood as we continue trying to win their elusive approval. Despite the fact that we might be angry at them and even have on-going conflicts, we continue to spend a lot of time and energy on this frustrating, unsatisfying relationship.

Sadly, the worse we were treated, the more we end up doing for our parents when we're adults, and the more disrespect we tolerate. Loving parents create confident self-loving adults who won't accept mistreatment from anyone. Bad parents raise children who are riddled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. This group accepts being mistreated as a matter of course.

Loving parents never make their children feel guilty for the love and care they're receiving, and never make the children feel responsible for taking care of the parents' emotional or physical needs. Bad parents, on the other hand, go on and on about how burdened they are by their children and how many sacrifices they've had to make in order to raise them.

Children who were loved don't feel indebted to their parents and aren't driven by guilt to attend to their needs after they've left home. The unloved group has been brainwashed to believe, incorrectly, that it's a child's ongoing role to care for their parents. These people are driven by a powerful sense of obligation.

Beloved children grow into adults who love their parents and who are happy to be there for them when there's a valid need. On the other hand, loving parents are reluctant to impose upon their adult children; not wanting to be a burden on them. Unloved children grow into adults who may resent their selfish, hurtful parents but who aren't able to refuse their demands. Unloving parents see children as having been put on earth in order to fulfill parental needs, and therefore have no difficulty imposing on them.

Sadly, those of us who were unlucky enough to have been raised by bad parents also get to be burdened as adults by their demands. Despite the fact that they've done so little for us and have always put their needs ahead of our own, we maintain a sense of misplaced loyalty. It's partly because our society insists that we must respect our parents, and partly because we're still hoping for their love.

We need to let go of our feelings of obligation and recognize that if we'd been loved, we would be happy to return the sentiment. In loving families, guilt and obligation never enter into the equation. We want to believe that we belong to a close, happy family, and for those of us who have this, we should appreciate it. For those of us who don't however, it's time to face the truth.

We need to see that care-taking hurtful parents isn't going to make them love us and it isn't even going to make them happy. People who are so emotionally damaged that they're unable to love their children aren't really capable of happiness, either. They try to use us to meet some deep unfulfilled needs within them, but nothing we do could heal the emotional wounds that make them unable to love or care for us.

We're better off facing the truth about our parents; giving up our futile attempts at winning their love and focusing our attention instead on pursuing more obtainable and fulfilling goals. We can start by working on developing the self-love and self-confidence that our childhoods deprived us of. Then we can enter into relationships with people who are capable of loving and accepting us, just as we are.

(C) Marcia Sirota MD 2010