My Teenager Does Not Listen to Me Unless I Yell

For many parents, yelling feels like the only way they can communicate with their teenagers. While it is true that it can feel like this at times, yelling is generally not an effective means of communication. Think for a moment about when someone is yelling at you. Are you really respecting and listening to what they are saying? Typically when someone is being yelled at, they are thinking of their own argument back or are just getting increasingly angry themselves which makes for even a less productive process. It is usually true that when people are yelling that they are acting out of strong emotions and therefore do not make their points or arguments as clearly or effectively as they would if they were not yelling. In addition, if you are always yelling at your teenager, they will likely learn this behavior / communication style and bring it with them to future relationships.

The challenge for parents is in how to communicate calmly and be heard when it feels like your teenager will never listen. Below are some suggestions for how to remain calm when interacting with your teenager.

1. Take a deep breath. While this may sound ineffective, it is proven to calm people down. Taking in a deep breath allows people to pause and think in addition to physiologically calming the body down.

2. Think about what you want to say ahead of time. If you are preparing to talk with your teen about a difficult subject or you are preparing to address a problem with them, prepare for it as you would any other difficult meeting. Think about the points you really want to make so that it is as effective of a conversation as it can be.

3. Take a break if needed. If things become escalated or you notice you start to yell it is okay to take a break. It is perfectly acceptable to say to your teen, "this conversation is really important to me and I don't want to yell so let's take a 10 minute break and come back to it". Then go get a glass of water, take some deep breaths, get some fresh air and return to the conversation when you feel calmer.

4. Give yourself a break. There will be times when you lose your cool - it is inevitable because it is a human reaction to become emotional or to get upset at times. If this happens, notice it and then try to calm yourself so that you no longer feel the need to yell.

5. Get outside support. If you notice that you are yelling more often than not at your teen as well as at others in your life or you notice that you are often feeling very stressed out or angry, you may want to get some professional support to help you feel better. Often times, seeking professional counseling or coaching can help individuals feel calmer and have happier, more fulfilling relationships in their lives.