Parents Connecting With Children For Healthier Relationships

Children, by nature, crave to connect with adults. From birth, a child's survival and well being depends on adults noticing him or her and taking action. If a child can't connect with parents with positive behavior, he or she may do it by misbehaving. For younger kids, it may manifest as fussing and whining, while older kids may become obstinate or defiant to get a parent's attention. When parents focus on a child's bid for connection in positive, healthy ways, that child is less likely to act out.

Emotionally connecting with a child in positive ways starts with active listening. Active listening is the ability to accept what a child is saying, while not necessarily agreeing. Giving proper time and attention to a child through active listening will allow the child to fully process information emotionally, before considering logical ways to react. When active listening, the listener must not ask a lot of questions, offer explanations or advice, prematurely problem-solve, or passively reassure. When listening, it's best to say little or nothing if at all possible, or perhaps offer slight acknowledgements or affirmations, without judgment or agreement.

When listening to a child, be prepared for emotional honesty. Studies show that most kids are pretty poor liars. In the healthiest of relationships, honesty is encouraged and respected. Having an "open mind" often helps, as sometimes parents can be quite surprised at what is uncovered during healthy connection. Some limits may need to be set if too much emotion begins to flow.

In other efforts to connect with a child, state your goals clearly. Subtle and confusing bids for connection may miss the mark with most kids.

Mom: "Want to go have lunch?"


Steven: "I'm playing a video game right now"

During this exchange, Steven interprets his mom's bid for connection as a simple request for information, not an effort at connection. Here's what happens when mom is more clear:

Mom: "I haven't seen you much this week and I have the day off today. I'd like to spend some time together. Want to go have lunch?"

Steven: "I'm playing a video game right now. Could we do something later?"


Mom: "Sure, let's set a time now that we both can count on."

Finally, when emotionally connecting with a child, understand that emotions can be intense for children. Children do not have the life experience to easily get past or move on from emotional entanglements with family and peers. A child may not understand that the sadness, fear or anger he or she is feeling is not going to last forever. When talking to kids about feelings, don't underestimate or dismiss the intensity of what is being experienced. Parents can have the patience and focus to help a child navigate the emotional journey, in an effort to build even stronger connection.