Single Parenting - Parenting Teens and Living to Tell

Parenting teens is never a picnic, but if ever a person can be tested to their limits, it's the single parent dealing with a difficult teenager. (Or, heaven help you, more than one.) Teenagers are by nature, a challenge. They are moody, inconsistent, and even devious. They test the limits in their own lives and make bad decisions. They can seem selfish, narcissistic, and even cruel. The challenge for single parents is to walk the fine line between setting firm limits and guidelines, and letting them find their way to the adults they are trying so hard to be. And, to walk it alone. Here are some great guidelines to help you stay sane through all the craziness.

What is too much, and what are you gonna do about it?

Make sure you know exactly what you consider too obnoxious to ignore...and make sure they know it too. Maybe it isn't worth making a big deal about the fact that your 15 year old, who could probably program the computers of a small country, can't get his dirty clothes from his bedroom floor into the hamper. But perhaps when it spreads to the family bathroom, its gone too far. Make it clear what your expectations are, but also make it clear the things you are willing to let them have control over. Its good for teens to realize we aren't ALWAYS the bad guy. (Don't expect them to thank you for it though!)

Also make sure its clear what the consequences are for not following your rules. I used to think contracts were a bit over the top, but I now think writing down exactly what will happen if a teen chooses not to follow the rules takes away their ability to manipulate and make you feel guilty... a teens best weapon against a single parent. For instance, if a teen comes home an hour late, the rule is that the next week they will come home two hours early. If the dirty clothes are on the bathroom floor after the teen has left for school, they clean the entire bathroom when they get home, before they can do anything else.

So figure out what battles are worth standing up for, and what you are gonna do when they step over the line. That will make it a lot easier to stand your ground and feel good about it when the inevitable occurs. Single parents don't have a partner to back them up, so they need to be more prepared with a strong response.

Seek help. Every one of you!

If you are a single parent parenting teens, you may be one of the few having no trouble. Your teen may always be respectful, always clean, honor roll, never chooses a friend you don't like, and never ever makes a bad choice. Lucky you! For the other 99% of us, we single parents need help. If you have a good relationship with the childs other parent, then that's a good place to start. If that isn't possible or wouldn't be helpful, it doesn't mean you have to go this alone. Tap into the resources around you for advice. The internet has a large number of legitimate sources offering quality parenting advice, including forums where you can talk with other parents. Friends and family are ALWAYS ready to offer their two cents! Instead of being defensive, listen with an open mind. Just because you listen to their advice does not mean you are required to take it. Read teen parenting books. Speak to a minister or a school counselor if you are having serious concerns or are just feeling lost. Just remember, in the end, you know your child. Your parenting instinct is your best guide, and while you may take bits and pieces of all the advice you seek, it will all come together in your own personal brand of parenting if you trust yourself. As a single parent, that's the hardest part.

Emphasize the positive

Remember, as hard as single parenting teens can be, its not all bad. Your teen still has a lot of great qualities that in time will help shape them into good people who will always love you. But for those days when you want to pack your bags and head for a far away beach with no forwarding address, remember these things.

*Just because they say it, doesn't mean they mean it.

*Deep down inside, that sweet kindergarten smile still exists. Wait. It will be back.

*There are gonna screw up. Repeatedly. Love em anyway.

*Don't try to "keep up with the Joneses" when it comes to your kids. There will always be someone there to make a single parent feel like they aren't doing the job they should. You know the ones... their kid has the best grades, the perfect friends, follows all the rules. The same people who would be horrified to learn your kid just got caught shoplifting a candy bar, or failed American Lit, or was busted trying a beer at a party. Realistically, these things are likely to happen to most parents, not just single parents. Don't buy into the hype. Teenagers are tough for everyone. Be your own back up, and believe in your kids, but do it in the real world.

*You will make mistakes. Some big, some small. Learn from them, admit them, make changes, and realize making mistakes does not a bad parent make. It makes you human. And that's a good thing for teens to learn as well. All you can do every day is the best you can do. Your teens can expect nothing more and deserve nothing less.

*Remember, this too shall pass. Your teen will grow up, and will eventually be thankful for all you sacrificed and all you went through to get them to adulthood in relatively one piece. Eventually. Live for that day.

If you have a teen who is truly out of control, seek professional help, and do it now. Violence, drug or alcohol addiction, eating disorders and depression/ suicide need to be dealt with today, don't wait. Sometimes the most important thing we can do as parents is the hardest. Its not a judgment on your parenting if your child needs help, it happens in all walks of life. If you need immediate help, call your primary care physician for recommendations.