Becoming an Effective Step Parent

Today's family portrait is just as likely to display a blended family as a nuclear family. However, with over 75% of adults with children remarrying and 60% of those marriages ending in divorce, mostly because of the children, indicates that something is desperately wrong. Perhaps The Brady Bunch gave us a false impression of a blended family.

Blended families today vary widely but what is most common between them is difficulty blending. To be an effective step parent involves a lot of hard work, time, prayer and to be frank, disappointments. The following are a few good tips for starting off down the right path:

1. Just because you are now married does not mean your new spouse should be given automatic rights to discipline your children. Most often, this is the start of family turmoil. The children should only be disciplined by their biological parent. The non-biological parent should serve as support to their spouse. Private conversations between the husband and wife regarding house rules and discipline should occur and agreed upon very early on. They should be shared and followed through with all of the children so they know what to expect, which diminishes feelings of resentment.

2. Spend time with your own children separately. This is especially important in the beginning. It will bring much needed comfort and security to your children. They need to know that they are still a priority in your life. It is very important that separate time with your children is carefully balanced so they don't become confused about the union of their new family. As for family time, be sure to regularly plan outings and family time together, which fosters the blending process. Make sure these times are used for enjoying one another and bonding, instead of reprimanding for last weeks misbehavior.

3. Do not compete with the parental role of the same sex biological parent. The child needs to know that their step-parent is an addition to their life, not a replacement of their same sex biological parent. Encourage their love and loyalty to the absent biological parent.

4. Lower your expectations. Even after many years, in contrast to nuclear families, most blended families lack family cohesiveness.

Coach Kids to Manage Sibling Conflict

To witness the love that your children can show to each other can be a joy. While hearing your children bicker and fight with each other can be as unnerving as nails on a chalkboard. Some parents get that sibling conflict is natural, while others worry about whether something is wrong with their child for fighting with their sibling. Your child may bicker about tangible items, such as food, electronics, and toys. Or, kids may worry about not having enough love, attention, power, and space. Kids sure don't make parenting easy!

The good news is kids have great potential to learn how to manage their emotional and social world better. I don't think parents are the cause of sibling conflict, yet I have witnessed how a parent's response can increase or decrease the intensity of the conflict. Like any child problem or behavior, parents have a few options:


1) leave it alone,

2) enforce consequence, or

3) coach them. What behaviors would you leave alone? When would you intervene and enforce a consequence? Most parents don't want to solve all of their children's arguments, yet they want them to be safe.

When sibling rivalry is safe, yet they aren't making progress on their own, try coaching them. Here are some ideas on coaching your children to manage their own sibling conflict:

Notice cooperation: Share what you notice. "It looks like you two are having fun together." Or, it looks like you two have solved your problem without my help."

Ask before helping: Restrain the urge to scold and/or fix your children's bickering. Then, ask "is this something you guys can solve on your own or do you need my help?" If they ask for help, guide them through the problem solving steps: 1) identify the problem, 2) identify possible solutions, and 3) pick a solution everyone can live with. (Depending on your child's age and intellectual development, try to let your kids do most of the talking and brainstorming.)

Encourage teamwork, not competition: In getting kids to do what a parent wants, a parent may try to use competition to motivate a child to comply or move faster. Instead, encourage your kids to be a team, and get the job done together.

Teach uniqueness: Kids typically want to be better, smarter, faster, and/or stronger than their sibling/peers. Teach them that everyone has strengths and weaknesses (or things they do good and bad). "Differences don't mean that one is better or worse, just different."

You aren't responsible for your kids' relationship with each other, but you can model social and emotional regulation through coaching. Think of yourself as the guide. This will take more time initially, but will pay off in the long run.