Active Listening For Parents

Communicating with children is an art requiring love, understanding and imagination. Successful parents will persevere, and ensure that their children comprehend their significance in the world. Your child's feelings, views and opinions have worth, and parents must make sure they take the time, and make the effort to listen openly, patiently and respond appropriately. It takes effort to respond constructively rather than just react. We pass judgment based on our own feelings and experiences, but, responding constructively means being receptive to our child's feelings and emotions.

Parents must allow them to express themselves openly and honestly without fear of indifference or disdain from parents. By reacting indifferently, parents send children the message that their feelings and opinions are invalid and worthless. By responding positively and enthusiastically, asking questions about why children feel the way they communicate, opens a channel of inter action that allows children to discuss their feelings further. That allows parents a better understanding of where they're coming from.

Responding imaginatively gives parents an opportunity to work out solutions or plans of action, with children, that perhaps they would not have come up with on their own. Children will also appreciate the fact that maybe you understand and appreciate how they feel. It is vital in these situations to give children full and enthusiastic attention. Put down the newspaper, stop doing dishes, turn off the television and address the situation. Make eye contact with children. Keep calm, be inquisitive, and then offer possible solutions to any problem.

Don't discourage your child from feeling upset, angry, or frustrated. Initial instincts may be to say something to encourage children away the crux of an issue, but this could be counter productive. Listen to children; ask questions to find out why they are feeling the way they do, and then offer possible solutions to alleviate frustration or unhappiness. Children have feelings and experience difficult situations. By listening with interest and participating with children as they talk, demonstrates to them that we care. We really want to help and contribute and that we have similar experiences of our own that they can draw from.

Always be responsive, encouraging and helpful.

Factor in Your Child's Needs While Buying a Home

Let us consider the psychology of a typical Indian family. Fundamentally, children are an extension of the family. In a very real sense, everything that happens within a family revolves around the requirements of its children. It therefore stands to reason that the purchase of a home should take into consideration one's child's needs, too.

"We base our sense of personal worth on what we can offer our kids," says Geetanjali Bansali, clinical psychologist and family therapist. "They are our most important ambassadors to the world at large, which is why we strive to provide them with every possible good thing - good clothes, the latest and largest toys, a good school, and so on. Providing them with the best possible home is therefore based on both selfish and selfless motives - selfish because we want them to be known as the kids of balanced, providing people, selfless because we love them and we want them to know it."

Whether a married couple has children or not while purchasing a home, or the children are still in the 'planning' stage, they should be a major point of reference. Here are some points we could take into account while choosing a residence:

Are there good schools in the vicinity?

There is no doubt about the fact that access to the best possible school is of primary importance. A housing project may offer every desirable facility - but it is seriously lacking if it does not have at least two reputable schools within easy reach.

The more progressive townships and projects have schools within the campus. The best offer the unique 'walk-to-school' facility, with all schools and related establishments within walking distance.

Is suitable and timely transport available?

This directly pertains to the problem of getting children to and from school conveniently. Many upper-grade schools now offer special transport facilities of their own, but this is not always the case. In other words, the project must be conveniently located at major public transport points. Inquire about schedules and regularity, and look for emergency backup measures such as autorickshaw stands.

Does the project feature children-oriented facilities?

Open the property brochure of any reputed builder's project - you will find points such as 'Fully Equipped Children's Park/Playground' mentioned prominently. Obviously, the Children Factor in property purchase is not a secret. Other things to look for and inquire about are nursery/crèche, babysitting and daycare facilities, a garden for family-oriented activities and the availability of facilities for a child's cultural development.

Is the clubhouse child-friendly?

If you thought that the project's clubhouse is only for adult entertainment and relaxation, think again. A clubhouse is and should be a boon to children - therefore, look for facilities like table tennis and badminton courts, a library, indoor games, regularly scheduled fun activities, etc.

Is the swimming pool safe for children?

The subject of children's safety in and around swimming pools is a vital one. Most townships and upper-crust housing projects feature swimming pools these days. This is definitely a family facility, and keeps in mind that children are fascinated with the idea of having access to a swimming pool.

Keep in mind, however, that it can also be a source of danger to your kids if the project does not offer the services of a lifeguard or pool attendant. You cannot expect to be there to supervise your children every time they want to use the pool. The poolside should also be equipped with non-slip tiles.

Does the project feature child-friendly technology?

One need not emphasize the importance of electricity backup in a home with kids. Children scare easily, and are inherently accident-prone. Sudden and prolonged power-cuts without generator backup can be a source of real trauma and even tragedy. However, this is not the only technical consideration while selecting a home these days.

Internet Connectivity - The Internet has become a universal education and entertainment tool. It was once only a requirement for 'cyber' families - however, these days children are Internet-savvy from pretty young ages. This is why inbuilt Internet connectivity has become such a rage amongst home seekers today. Aware of this, a number of projects now offer such a feature as part of the overall package.

Surveillance/Alert/Alarm Features - In a progressive residential project, home automation takes children and elderly people into special consideration. Intricate, high-tech security networks allow homeowners to watch over them at the touch of a switch or the pressing of a button, from any part of the house or even outside. Special alert features increase the safety/damage control factor. Advanced security and surveillance devices, both in-house and for the project as a whole, reduce the risk of harm to the family's kids. Where such features are available and affordable, they should be exploited.

How safe are the home's interior specifications?

Judging whether a home's internal specifications are conducive to a child's safety is important. The evaluation should be left to a mother or another concerned female representative of the family. Here is a checklist of features to watch for:

Aluminum sliding windows with grills


Kid-proof electrical outlets

Anti-skid bathroom tiles

Drinking water purification unit (such as Aqua Guard)

Is there a hospital with emergency room/pediatric unit nearby?

Accidents do happen - poisoning, choking, drowning, fractures and bruises, electrocution... children can get into a lot of trouble while exploring the world around them. There are many medical emergencies than can only be handled at a well-equipped hospital. Most property brochures make a point of mentioning the project's distance from the nearest hospital.

How safe and supportive is the neighborhood?

One should definitely keep one's child's social needs in mind while selecting a residence. If nothing else, a reputable location and project will offer a social environment suitable to our children (good neighbors) as well as a crime-free zone.

It is unlikely that you will find every above-mentioned feature in a single residence. Awareness of your child's special requirements in housing projects is still an emerging area. Many projects do, however, offer a lot of them. The point is that our homes can be highly supportive to our children if their needs are taken into consideration.

Controlling Your Children From Being Couch Potatoes

One of the things most parents hate the most is having their children be couch potatoes, sitting in front of the TV all day. Many parents prefer to have their kids play outdoors, but what do you do on a rainy day? Having occasional movie marathons may not seem like a bad idea after all.

Make sure you plan well for such an event. Go to the video store and let the kids pick out the videos that they want, but don't forget to set some ground rules. Each kid can pick out any movie that he or she wants for as long as they agree to watch what others pick as well. On your way home, pick up some snacks for them to munch on while watching. Set the mood in your living room. Let the kids assemble their own movie theater by using furniture around your home that will make them comfortable.

Your role, as a parent, is to man the concession stand. Feel free to serve popcorn but don't forget to serve more filling food such as sandwiches and maybe veggie sticks. They're not only healthy, you can be sure that the kids won't make a mess with such food too.

Note that when children spend time watching TV for hours, their energy gets pent up. Take breaks in between movies and do fun activities to help them release this energy. Think of games that most kids will enjoy. You can play follow the leader around the house or you can do group exercises such as jumping jacks! Just remember to keep things fun.

As soon as the rain stops, you can let them out to play again. The good thing about having activities like this a couple of times a month is that you'll notice that they won't crave watching TV as much - a total win-win situation for both parents and children

An Ordinary Parent

The longer I am a parent and the more I watch what is happening to our world in terms of violence, crime and desperation, the more I believe, as parents, we have lost the art of relying on our own instincts when it comes to bringing up our children. By this I mean, remembering how we were brought up, relying on our own values and having an understanding of what it is we really want for our children - not what the world "expects" us to want for our children. I'm not saying that a change in parenting can fix all the problems in the world, and I also know there are many socio-economic factors that come into play that can't be fixed easily. However as a fairly mainstream parent, I feel that we have lost the ability to be ordinary, which is resulting in our children growing up with over inflated expectations of what the world should be offering them.

I believe most kids are too pampered and are not being taught to tough things out and I put my hand up as being totally guilty of doing this. I am a divorced parent and have two teenage boys. I have see-sawed between disciplining and pampering my children for the last 10 years. Why do I do this? Because I feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty? Because I receive so much information about being a perfect parent and when I fail I feel guilty and pamper my children in an attempt to alleviate this guilt. I also do it because my children aren't with both parents all the time. I do it because I work long hours and can't spend as much time with them as I think I should. I suffer from "mother guilt" which I believe should be extended to be called "parent guilt" because I'm sure many dad's feel the same.

As parents, we are constantly looking for advice - affirmation we are doing the right thing. We are also looking for simple, effective ways to help us have kind, loving and obedient kids. We look for this in newspapers, magazines, parenting books and anywhere we can get a snippet of information that can guide us. I should know, I have a shelf in my bookcase dedicated to parenting books. I'm not knocking these as in times of desperation I have found solace in their pages.

I don't live in an ideal situation, I have shared care with my ex husband for the past 10 years and we don't have the same parenting values. Many experts will say this is less than ideal situation and as parents we should get our act together and put the kids first, but, hey listen to this newsflash, no one lives in an ideal situation. There are so many variants on what constitutes a family these days it is very difficult to rely on all these "experts" telling us just how we should be raising our children in their ideal world.

Here's another newsflash!! I've smacked my boys, I've yelled at them, I've said nasty things to them in the heat of the moment, I've made them feel guilty, I've ranted and raved and carried on like a fish wife. I've read books on parenting in a desperate attempt to work out why my children are so bad, and then felt incredibly guilty about the emotional scars I've now thrust upon them as a result of my bad parenting skills. What happens next is I've tried to make myself feel better and lavished them with love and material things in a pathetic attempt to alleviate the guilt. I bet any parent, particularly a mum, reading this would be nodding their heads in agreement. So often we all get caught up in this vicious circle.

Don't get me wrong, the people who write these books are well educated and their methods have been tried and proven. In an ideal world these methods probably work a treat. However in the real world, the average mum and dad work long hours, come home tired, the kids are tired from a long day at school and after school care, homework needs to be done, dinner needs to be cooked, washing, ironing, cleaning up and maybe, if they are lucky, mum and dad get to spend 5 minutes alone together at the end of the night. During this period everyone's patience is tested and arguments and defiance reign. Kids get yelled at, sometimes smacked, mums and dads can get testy with each other and at times things are said that noone means. This is real life.

I am an ordinary mum who is trying to do her best to bring up happy healthy children in a world that is becoming more complicated by the decade. Most of us were brought up with yelling and some smacking because most of our parents didn't have access to all the current material on parenting. My parents were far from perfect (oh you have no idea - that's another blog), as were many of my friends parents, but we have all turned into decent people who are trying to live our lives respecting others and trying to do the best we can.

We've all done the wrong thing at times, we've all hurt other people and we've all made bad decisions. We all have our own problems, some of us suffer depression, some of us need anger management, some of us are calm and unflappable and so on. I think we are losing sight of the fact that this is what being a human being is about. It's about living our lives - it isn't about being perfect. We are setting our kids up for a lifetime of disappointments by trying to make their childhood perfect.

I believe that if we weren't made to feel so guilty about this need to be perfect, we could get on with the job of giving these precious kids of ours an extraordinary life by being plain old ordinary parents. My ordinary wants for my children are that they stay healthy, be kind and respectful to others, find many moments of happiness, learn to deal with sadness, disappointment and pain and, most of all, know how to love and be loved. I don't care if they don't make the A Grade soccer team, or the debating team or become the dux of the school. I do care that they try their hardest, enjoy playing sport and choose a profession that suits them, be it a doctor or a taxi driver.

Let's focus more on being ordinary. I believe if more parents were made to feel good about being ordinary parents, rather than being pressured to be perfect, our kids would grow up with a more balanced perspective on life.

Angry Children - Understanding Anger

Anger is a learned response - children watch very closely at the way parents handle anger. In addition, anger usually masks other emotions, which can further complicate how a child may interpret witnessing anger.

It's okay to become angry. Anger is an inevitable emotion, and must be expressed (hopefully in healthy ways), otherwise the emotion will build-up and eventually be expressed in aggressive or passive-aggressive ways. New scientific information on brain development provides parents with a special opportunity to understand how anger is processed in the brain and how to teach children to understand and manage anger in healthy ways.

Scientists have recently found using brain scans of live brains during highly emotional times, like when expressing anger, that there are amazing new insights into what's happening in a child's head during an angry exchange. Children can be taught at a very early age what's happening inside them when they get angry, how to understand it and manage it more effectively.

Repeated exposure to anger as a child has long-term impact. Most chronically angry adults were exposed to excessive amounts of destructive anger in their childhoods. Role-modeling how to express anger in healthy ways is very important for parents. A child's memory bank and the interpretations of those memories will be full of information about how the adults closest to them handle anger.

It's important for parents to learn to remain calm and find additional healthy ways to express anger.

Many parents wish to better understand and manage/control anger, but don't know where to begin. Powerful self discovery can be done in the comfort of your own home. There are online anger classes available, to allow you to work on the process in the privacy of your home.

Helping Your Children With Their Homework

Sometimes, homework can be the last thing on our child's mind. However, you must let them know the importance of such school work as this can directly affect their grades as well as their overall performance in school.

Your child may express feelings of frustration and confusion when it comes to dealing with homework, project deadlines, and exams. But by teaching them the right organizational skills, there's no doubt that your child can become a successful student.

It is imperative that you work with your child when it comes to getting into the habit of using to do lists. Train them to use this to keep track of assignments, household chores, and reminders about what materials they need for class.

Have your child keep a small pad or notebook for listing these things. Once each task is accomplished, have them cross it off the list. Looking at a completed list will instill a strong sense of accomplishment in your child. This will also help them realize the value of prioritizing tasks.

A stable routine is also important to your child's success at school. Have your child study in the same place every night. Make sure that this location is a quiet place in your house, one where there will be very little distractions for your child. You must also make sure that all school supplies and study materials are nearby.

Have your child follow a strict routine at home when it comes to bedtime and watching television. Children with a regular bedtime come to school well-rested and well-prepared for various types of academic work.

Before your child goes to bed, have him pack his own school bag to make sure that all his assignments and materials are where they need to be. Have him prepare the clothes he'll be wearing the next day. This will cut down the time your child needs to get ready in the morning. This way you won't have to rush, and your child can avoid instances of leaving behind important things for school.

And last but not the least, encourage your child to sort through his things on a weekly basis. This helps them avoid accumulating unnecessary clutter.

ADHD Parenting - Should Parents Discipline Kids With Attention Deficit Disorder Differently?

ADHD parenting presents different challenges than raising kids who do not have this disorder. While you do not want to hold your child responsible for tasks beyond his means, you don't want to enable him either or make him a victim of his disorder. In this article, you'll learn five tips for disciplining kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

ADHD Parenting: 5 Top Discipline Tips

First, lets talk about the word "discipline." The word comes from the Latin word "discipulus" which means "learner" or "to become a disciple of." What this means is that you should always strive to teach values, rather than punish your child.

1. Understand what your child is capable of and what is beyond his current abilities. A basic understanding of child development can help, but also take the time to learn the areas in which your child seems to struggle most. Rather than punishing him for behaving in a way that he is currently unable to, avoid situations that you know will be a set up for inappropriate behavior. Teach him what you want him to do, rather than yelling at him for what he did wrong. This distinction is subtle, but important.

2. Parenting kids with ADHD requires firm and consistent discipline. When you take away a privilege, don't give it back without having your child do something to earn it. Don't let your child negotiate his way out punishments because then he will believe that everything is negotiable. If your child is chronically disrespectful or unusually defiant, then you will need to learn some new ADHD parenting skills that are also very effective with kids who have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. These are skills that your parents did not teach you. Don't wait. Do it now. Defiant behavior does not get better on its own.

3. Focus on who your child is, rather than his performance. Children who start to feel like they are only valued for doing well on homework, tests, chores and in sports are much more likely to give up or feel bad about themselves when they fail to perform to expectations. Your child's sense of self-worth should be tied to the fact that he is a whole human being, rather than how he does on a particular task. Although you may not always be able to give him an "attaboy," you can give him encouragement and ask him what he learned from the experience.

4. Don't try to be a friend, instead, take the high road and be the parent. Being a parent is tough. Sometimes you have to make hard decisions, set the limits, take away privileges or insist that your child do something that you know is in his best interests. Parents who shirk these responsibilities because they want their kids to like them, usually end up with teens who neither like nor respect them because they failed to do the tough work of being a parent.

5. Know when to say when. Some things just aren't worth fighting over. Sometimes, it is better to let it go, especially if your child has had an unusually tough day and could just be acting out due to frustration or overwhelm. That said, there are no excuses for abusive behavior. Do not let the label of "ADHD child" be an excuse for mean-spirited behavior.

ADHD parenting is a challenge, but you are up to it. In addition to following the tips in this article, make sure to take some time out for yourself to unwind and rejuvenate every day, so you'll be able to face the challenges that will inevitably come tomorrow.

Child's Play - The Magical Education in Make Believe

In order to learn, your child needs to play. It has been scientifically proven that advancements in academic skills is directly related to the amount of creative play a child is allowed to do. Your child's memory, language skills, social skills, mechanical skills and problem solving skills are all dependent on how much time your child spends playing "pretend".

The sad thing is that today's parents put more focus on academic skills which has directly the opposite effect in creating intelligent children. By allowing your child to play make-believe, you are encouraging your child to develop the skills necessary to grow your child's brain power. You may not think that having your little one create a superman costume from a towel for a cape and a superman t-shirt is a learning experience, but the thought process that happens as he plans his play is the same process he will later need to plan a school science project.

Giving your toddler a ride on toy can spark their imagination to include all different scenarios and situations as well as develop motor skills. She can now drive to work, go on vacations and explore the world all within her imagination. Do not underestimate the knowledge she is gaining through creative play.

When you add in a sibling or play partner, the knowledge increases. Playing "pretend" with more than one player helps your child learn effective communication skills. He will have to explain why this playhouse is now a fire station and the ride on toy is a fire engine and how they will work together to put out a fire; and then why the playhouse is now a school and he is the teacher and his friend and toys are the students.

Playing pretend helps your children become effective negotiators, communicators and creative thinkers. Their memory develops through all of the planning and sequencing they do in their minds that directly relate to how they plan their activities.

A playhouse and a box of "dress-up" clothes can be the best educational toy you can ever give your child. Forget the electronic gadgets and "genius" toys. If you want to invest in your child's academic future, give them a playhouse and play kitchen. Your child will be head and shoulders ahead of the rest of the children who's parents are focusing on creating a genius.

3 Things Good Sports Parents Do

As a Director of a 300 player program, I have had many opportunities to observe sports parents.

Good sports parents do these three things: Win, Lose or Draw.

My father would always tell me, before a contest, that he loved me "...win, lose or draw". If I had a bad performance, he would say to me, " You are my son and I love you win, lose or draw." I was not completely sure why my father said those words to me, until I began to observe how good sports parents and athletes interacted after good and bad performances. He said those words to me because that is what good sports parents do.

One way or another, good sports parents make certain their athletes know they care about them more than the result. Win, lose, or draw. Honesty is the best policy,but...you have to be positive too!

One of the most delicate reoccurring moments in youth sports is when a player and parents are re-uniting after a tough performance. You know your child. You know how they are feeling about what just happened. Your heart is in your throat. What to say? What to do? You can not fool them. They know what happened.

Be honest. Acknowledge it. Tell your child, "hey, tough time out there" or "Too bad about that last drive". Then quickly remind them of the things they did during the course of the game and/or how much they have improved. Any stranger off the street can watch your athlete and tell them what they did wrong - nothing special about pointing out the obvious. But only a good sports parent will know how much better they have become and how well they did overall.

TIP: Make a list of improvements your athlete has made in a quiet moment. The excitement of a contest can make it hard to recall them when needed.

Set the Example.

Good sports parents are awesome at showing restraint, poise and perspective when contests get exciting or if there is an emotional outcome. They are great models for their own athletes and any one who is watching. It not surprising that their athletes exhibit poise and perform well when things get tough.

In youth sports there are a lot of things to observe and make remarks about. It is sport after all, and sports are huge piece of our cultural fabric. But when it comes to youth sports, good sports parents do a great job of behaving and talking like they want their athletes to behave and talk.

TIP: If you find yourself "too" into a game, watch from further away. Distance has a way of cooling passions and sharpening perspective.

Athletes First, Winning Second.

Encouraging Your Kids to Be Cooperative to Others

The most effective way to teach your child to treat others with dignity and respect is to treat them with the same attributes. Take note that the early years of a child's life is when he starts to truly learn about the world, as well as how to get along with others.

Parents play a crucial role when it comes to teaching children how to build healthy relationships. Sociable children tend to be more cooperative, generous, understanding, and more expressive with their feelings.

The most effective way to teach children this behavior is by acting as a role model to your child. With a mere gesture of saying "please" or by lending a helping hand to those in need, you are showing your child how you would like him to act.

It would also help to seek your child's help when it comes to going about daily tasks. However, if it so happens that they offer to help before you ask, accept their offer and thank them for it. Praising your child's good behavior helps him realize how good it feels inside to be able to help others.

Sociable children are ones who have a strong sense of self worth and importance. There is a direct correlation in a sense that children who feel good about themselves are more inclined to treat their peers in a positive manner.

Encourage acts of generosity through simple things like sharing and cooperation. Let your child know when it is someone else's turn with a toy or on the swing. In like manner, praise them for recognizing this need to give way to others. Essentially, thank them for being polite, respectful, and for sharing and cooperating.

Of all people, children know that words can be very powerful since name-calling and teasing are common among children. The thing is, children want to be treated fairly, but they don't always understand how to treat others the same way.

When it comes to teaching the concept of fairness to your child, explain a rule and point out that it doesn't just apply to him, but to everyone else.

Educational Traveling Games to Play With Kids

These games are free, make no mess, and need no equipment. Whether you're planning an RV vacation, a long car trip, or just likely to get stuck in traffic, remember these games and they can save you having to think of something on the spot.

They're also educational: don't tell the kids, but they'll be exercising their language skills, speaking skills, memory, creativity, imagination and observation.

1) Twenty Questions

To play Twenty Questions, first choose a category, such as famous people, animals, superheroes, or whatever your children are interested in. One player chooses something that would belong in this category (e.g. Batman, if you are doing superheroes) without telling anyone else who or what has been chosen. The other players take turns to ask questions that can be answered with Yes or No, to try and guess who or what it is. Good questions might be 'Are they male / female?', or 'Can they fly?'. The winner is the person who guesses the correct answer. If nobody guesses, the player who chose the secret answer wins. This is a good game for encouraging children to develop logical thinking, as well as exercising their memory and imagination.

2) Just a Minute

In this scaled down version of the game played on radio shows, players are asked to talk about a topic for one minute, without hesitating or going off topic. If children are old enough, try adding in the rule that they can't repeat any nouns or adjectives. If the player breaks one of the rules, the other players can challenge and take over talking about the same topic, until the person who is talking at the end of the minute wins. This is a great game for developing language skills, speaking skills, creativity and memory.

3) I-Spy

To play I-Spy, the first player looks around for something that everyone would be able to see for a reasonable length of time. They say 'I Spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...' and then the first letter or sound of the name for the thing they have chosen, e.g. 'T' for tree, or maybe 'ch' for church. The other players try to guess what it is, and when someone guesses the right answer, it is their turn to choose the next thing to 'spy'. This game develops observational skills, as well as phonics for younger players.

4) Making up Stories

Start off by telling the very beginning of a story. Players take turns to tell each sentence, or even each word, using their imagination, creativity and language skills to develop the rest of the story. If they enjoy this, you could try recording the stories, or making them into books with pictures later.

5) Rhyme Time

This is a very simple word game that everyone joins in with together. Say the beginning of a sentence, and the other players have to finish it with a rhyming word, for example, 'There was a bee, who sat in a...tree.' They can then begin the next line to make a longer poem.

6) Travel Bingo

This game requires some preparation ahead of time. Look at your route and make each player a list of placenames, landmarks, or other unusual sights you expect to see along the way (unusual animals, trees, rock formations etc). Players call out when they see one of them, and cross it off their list, until the winner is the first one to see everything on their list.

The Importance of Giving Teenagers Choices

Teenagers are growing, starting to think more independently and trying to be more independent. If they are not given choices, the consequences could include their not learning to make their own decisions or that they are always frustrated, angry and resistant to anything you have to say. Although it can be scary and take a little more effort upfront, giving teenagers choices when possible can be very positive for their development and actually save you, as the parent, a lot of frustration.

With that said, I want to stress that what I am saying is "give choices when possible' not "always give choices". Some things do not warrant a choice. For example - whether to attend school daily or not should not be a choice given to a teenager. However, a parent could say, "you can shower and get everything ready tonight and sleep until 6:30am or you can watching TV now and shower in the morning and get up at 6:00am." As the parent, you are not negotiating whether they attend school or not but you are giving them some control over what time they will get up for school.

This can take some thought and creativity but can be very powerful for teens. Ultimately, you will give them more of a sense of control while still having clear parameters about what you will and will not tolerate. I recently worked with a mother who was having almost daily battles with her teenage son about doing his homework. What was not negotiable was that he does his homework - it had to get done each night. However, this mother was able to give her son choices about when he did his homework which took a lot of the pressure off her and gave him more control. What this mother did was tell him he could do his homework right after school while having a snack or he could spend time with his friends after school until dinner time and do his homework after dinner but that there would be no TV, video games or phone after dinner until his homework was done. (This mother had also already established that if she got a report from teachers that her sons homework was not being done and turned in then he would lose all TV privileges for two weeks which was a really serious consequence for her son).

Tips for Parents:

1. Think about the things that you feel you constantly argue or "power struggle" with your teenager about (often times this is: what time to turn off the computer / phone at night, curfew, homework, waking up in the morning or helping out around the house).

2. Think about what things are NOT negotiable (and there should be things that are not negotiable!) and think about the areas where you can give them choices.

3. Be clear about what choices you can give them (and make sure they feel they are true choices on some level) and also be clear about what the consequences will be if they do not follow through. So...in the example above - not doing homework was not an option and there were clear consequences for failure to do homework, however, this mother was able to give choices in the "process" of doing the homework.

This is not always an easy thing to do and takes some thought. If you feel your teenager is putting you on the spot about something, tell them you need a little while to think about it and then take the time to review the steps above. Again, when done effectively it will take the pressure off you and also teach your teenager some valuable decision making skills.

Teenage Bedwetting

A teenage topic that is rarely discussed openly is that of bedwetting or nocturnal enuresis. There are teens who still wet their beds and parents who worry about this with good reason, however, there is little discussion about this topic. Why is this? Likely because there is a degree of shame associated with this topic which makes people uncomfortable discussing it or asking questions about it. Teenagers often try to hide their soiled sheets or pretend that there is not an issue, making it difficult for parents to address. Despite this, it is important that this issue is addressed as it could be a serious matter. Below are some things to consider and steps you may want to take to address this issue.

1. Get medical attention. It is always the best first step to have your child seen by a doctor who can assess if there is a legitimate medical reason why your child is wetting the bed. If there is, then they can review the treatment options with you which will hopefully cease the bed wetting. You should ask that they do a urine analysis to rule out diabetes, infection or other such medical conditions. If there is not a medical condition causing the bedwetting then there are other things to consider.

2. Assess for any trauma. A common symptom of trauma (being physically or sexually abused or even just witnessing something bad such as domestic violence) is bed wetting. Often times when children have experienced a traumatic event or significant stress, particularly sexual abuse, bedwetting occurs. If you have any suspicion that your child has been the victim of trauma you should seek professional help as soon as possible from a licensed therapist. This therapist can offer support to both yourself and your child and help your child heal from their trauma.

3. Genetics. If a teen's parents had issues with bedwetting, it is much more likely that they will have problems with bedwetting. This could be due to a small bladder, not producing the hormones that tell your kidneys to slow down at night or due to being an extremely deep sleeper.

If your teen is wetting the bed, it is important to get them motivated to change their behavior. Some suggestions for this are:

1. The first thing is to make sure that they are 100% responsible for changing and washing their sheets and putting new ones on their bed each time they have an accident. As the parent, this should not be your role and because they will not want to have to do this, it may increase their motivation to make some changes.

2. The second thing you can do is restrict any beverages after a certain time in the evening so that they are less likely to have to go to the bathroom during their sleeping hours.

3. A third thing you can do is set an alarm in the middle of the night that wakes them up to let them know that they have to use the bathroom, even if they do not feel like they have to go at that time.

4. Finally, have them start using a bed wetting alarm. These alarms are a form of behavioral conditioning and are placed inside an individual's underwear where you would expect the first drop of urine to be if they start wetting themselves at night. When the alarm senses wetness, it makes a sound and usually also has a tactile sensation which wakes the individual up. Over time, individuals learn to recognize the sensation of when their bladder is full before the alarm goes off.

As is stated above, bedwetting is a situation which is typically not openly discussed but which can be very problematic for teens and parents. Seeking medical evaluation and advice should always be the first intervention if you have concerns that your teenager is wetting the bed.

I Feel Like My Teenagers Friend Instead of Their Parent

Over the years, I have heard from parents the phrase, "I want my teenager to feel comfortable coming to me with anything". This is great and important so that teens feel comfortable talking to their parents if they are ever in trouble or in need of advice. I do not see this as a problem at all and it certainly benefits teenagers to have the option to go to their parents with anything that may be on their mind.

Where I have seen problems is when parents do a role reversal and begin sharing too much information about themselves or their problems with their teenagers. Setting up this dynamic can be very confusing for teenagers who, even if they will never tell you, want to see their parents in an adult / protective role. When parents share too much about their own struggles, stress, love life, relationship difficulties or work problems, teens become confused about what their role is. I have seen teens try to fix their parents problems, try to "take care of business" for their parents and step into a caretaker role with their parents which is unhealthy for both teenagers and their parents. Teenagers are still growing emotionally and are not able to take on the problems of those who are supposed to be their caretakers. When parents are experiencing stress in their lives, it is important that they seek out support from other adults, a life coach or a therapist. This stress should not be placed on teenagers.

A dynamic where parents lean on their teenagers for support is more likely to occur in single parent households or in households where the marriage is not going well. In such situations, a parent does not have the other parent as a support system and therefore they will sometimes turn to their children for this purpose. It may appear as though teens can manage this and that they are not impacted by it, however, they likely are and the effects of this burden can play out immediately or in the future.

If you have already created this dynamic with your teenager, it is best to recognize it and take steps to change it. Below are some suggestions for recognizing, avoiding and changing such a situation.

1. Think about what you are talking to your teenager about. Are you talking a lot about yourself? Are you sharing information that could be upsetting to your teen or cause them to worry about you? Sometimes this happens when parents are in an emotional state. If you find yourself doing this, it may be helpful to separate yourself from your teenager, go to a place where you can relax and get your emotions in check or call an adult who you can lean on for support.

2. Use other adults in your life for support. Who are the adult family members or friends you can speak with about your problems? If you do not have any, it is important that you work to build your network of adult support. You may want to join a social organization in your community, get support from a religious organization, reach out to family or friends, confide in a coworker if appropriate or get the professional support of a life coach or therapist.

3. Think about why you are sharing information with your teen. Sometimes parents share things with their teenagers so that their teens can learn from their mistakes. While this can be effective, it is important to make sure that parents sharing information about their past mistakes is done thoughtfully. Before doing this ask yourself, "What is my purpose in sharing this information? How will this sharing of information benefit my teenager? Will sharing this information with my teenager place a burden on them or cause them to view me negatively?" Answering these questions honestly may help you determine if the information you are thinking of sharing is going to be helpful or hurtful to your teenager.

Remember that while your teenager needs to see you as a human being, they also need to see you as a support to them who is strong and who can help them with their problems. Teens need to view their parents as caretakers and not as best friends or people who need to be taken care of by their children.

Getting Teens to Do Their Homework

One worry that is shared by many, many parents of teenagers (or any children for that matter) is about school and grades. Parents rightfully worry about how their child's academic performance will impact their future in terms of college opportunities or future job success. Homework is a big source of stress in the relationships of teens and their parents and can cause nightly conflicts in some households. Parents expect that homework will be done and taken seriously while many teenagers would prefer to play on the computer, text their friends, watch TV or talk on the phone instead of doing their homework. Below are some tips for parents to help increase the likelihood that your teenager will get their homework done without a nightly battle with you.

1. Set your expectations about homework clearly. Let your teenager know that they are expected to do their homework nightly and be clear that you know that they have homework assigned and that you are not going to accept them telling you that they never get homework (many teens try to tell their parents that they don't regularly get homework, however, at the high school level, homework is assigned consistently so don't let them fool you into thinking otherwise!). You can always call the school to check on homework assigned and some schools also now have an online system where you can check what teachers are assigning for homework or what is overdue.

2. Be involved. Show an interest in what your teen is doing in school. Check what they are working on and offer help if needed. One thing that I have heard from some parents is that they don't offer help because they don't know the subject matter and don't want their teenagers to know that they are not familiar with the material. This is okay -as the parent of a teenager you have been out of school for a while and it is normal that you will not know or remember everything your teenager is learning. What is important is that you show an interest and encourage them in their learning.

3. Have clear and consistent consequences if your teenager is not getting their homework done. As a parent, you probably have more leverage than you think to help motivate your teenager to do their homework. Think about what their distractions are or what they will work for. Generally, limiting cell phone and computer access until homework is done or grades improve is enough of a motivation for most teens! Figure out what will work for your teenager, set the clear expectation and make sure they know the consequence and then...make sure you follow through!

4. Praise your teenager. Really tune into their academic accomplishments and successes. Praise them for getting their work done, let them know you appreciate how hard they are working and validate that it is not always fun or easy. These genuine words can go a very long way with teenagers (even if they will not always let you see how much they appreciate it!)

Do Your Toddlers Bite? Guaranteed Tips to Make Them Stop

Let's get one thing straight, as a parent you should know that toddlers bite. Not all, but many do. A toddler's age means experimenting is the name of the game. They will throw things just to get a reaction, they will scream to seek attention you name it, they will try it. I have a toddler who is 3 years old and I experience new behaviors daily. They are at an age where touching, biting or hitting is all part of their learning process.

Of course nobody likes to be bitten, especially from a toddler who most likely does not realize the pain their actions are causing. Toddlers bite due to many reasons and become even more amused when parents start giving them attention albeit negative attention. To a toddler getting your reaction and attention is what matters most, negative or positive. So how can we stop our toddlers from biting other kids or adults?

• When your kid bites, try not to give too much attention to their behavior. Take them into a corner and explain that they must not bite. For toddlers seeing someone react equates to a source of good entertainment. So if you over react to their biting, they will continue doing it.


• Let your child see you giving lot's of attention to the bitten person. Your child will immediately feel left out and regret their actions.


• Time outs are a great way to make your toddler realize, they have done wrong. Use an age appropriate time out for your child. For example, if your child is 2, use a two minute time out, if 3 use a three minute time out etc.



• Start praising your kids when they do something positive. As mentioned previously a toddler is learning new things everyday. If they get attention from you whilst doing something good, guess what, they will repeat it again.